Medieval Mayhem

We went to a show entitled the very same today and it was lovely. Felt mean not buying D a unicorn when the little girl next to her was getting one, but please, I mean honestly! My demand for historical accuracy simply wouldn't allow it .... (thankfully too tired for debate on theoretical archaeology). Am needing to get my application sent off for an online course on Egyptology as going to stuff like this reminds me how much I enjoy it.

Ok, so today's number 5 are...

1. D curled up on my lap tonight -so tired! The early morning light makes mincemeat of her anti light blind, the getting up early exhausts her, and she doesn't like to nap or go to bed too early. Tricky for her.

2. D's intense concentration today as she saw someone cutting up cardboard to make a spider shield so she could make a spider shield (hem hem authenticity now?), and her focus when painting it.

3. Michael saying "Do do" pushing a toy car. Quite unexpectedly he loves them! The car's he has were D's although she showed no interest in them. They both liked the train set. Can't quite cope with the gendered toys thing - ick! Have already had to remove a gun set for M! ICK!

4. Yesterday - both kids zooming up and down a tunnel for children at a local animal park. Last year D wouldn't do it, and M was too young. This year, D is so much more confident and M just quite naturally followed her.

5. Not really about them, but just seeing that although I can be quite foul, the kids have their own, quite independent of me resources of loveliness that sustains them, and shows through.

Have just finished reading this. It made me cry lots. My father would always recount how wonderful Chile had been when he lived there as a young man, and was so deeply saddened by Pinochet and his government. As we have just come through an election it really does make the point that we are just a bad government or so away from political evil and monstrosities. Am reminded of this cartoon we studied at school about the Versailles Treaty. Still upset.

I'm shattered...

but the day was ok. Children tired too, waking up at 6 am and in Michael's case teething and in D's case being permanently hungry do not make for tantrum free days. Lunch was a struggle until the kindly man served me food from the buffet I had taken the kids do. Michael would not go in the high chair and only stopped screaming 5 mins after teething tablets and much much mummy milk. Horrible amount of pain to be in. The same man gave us popadoms to take away as it was the only food M would eat. So kind and the extra kindness was the implication of it's totally ok to have your screaming infant here, we care! Lovely.

Managed not to be rude to the lady who complained loudly about D's tantrum (pot, kettle, black) in the middle of the salubrious establishment that is poundstretchers. Just glared and carried on removing D. To be fair, D fits the spirited child criteria to a t, infectious laughter, ear splitting screams, intense focus and hates change, so this wont be the first or last such look I shall receive. Or any parent really lol. At least I did just walk on.

1. Dealing with the extreme bum cream spreading incident this am calmly .

2. Having D fall asleep in my arms on the way home and not wake up howling and cranky.

3. Watching D run off with her friends to the loo and hearing how she was on her return. Not that she went to the loo, but she was keen to watch.

4. Gazing into Michaels eyes as he fed tonight. it always feels like I can see eternity reflected back. Had the same when D was smaller too.

5. Singing with D whilst Ian was rocking M.

A mish-mash day!

Preferences

I would rather not have pushed D away as she was trying to dip her hoummousy potato wedge into the lentils we had been happily dipping into before, but that would have meant coming up with a different strategy and I'd kind of lost steam. Poor thing then screamed so much she was sick, which can't have been a joy for the other customers, but was more a result of her tummy being laden with catarrh as opposed to screaming making her sick. Up till then, and indeed after that point all was good, so I will start with

1. Managing to pull it all together, give D enough space to calm down and then hug her for ages when we were both ready.

2. Bus journey into town was lovely, but early, enjoyed cuddling D and M fell asleep in the buggy.

3. Watching them both tuck into their babycino's in Workhouse coffee - having made the decision to go there after lunch to give us some nice space in town. M sits so well and drinks so well from a cup (if you ignore the huge puddle and dripping jacket). Meeting Deborah's eyes as she drank her babycino, and it just being lovely.

4. Hearing D say more and more phrases.

5. Having them behave beautifully at the hospital, as I was having my check-up (which was fine).

Sadly I reaslised what I should have done was finish what I needed to eat first and then relinquish the rest to D. But writing it down here, it doesn't look as bad and was probably a lot safer than holding the lentils aloft and risking spilling them on Michael. Didn't want to go back to RBH with a scalded toddler.It often gets confusing when I am acting protectively. Need to remember to explain about some foods making mummy sick, and maybe not buying them when it's just me if there's a biggish chance of me having a reaction to them.

Deborah's hearing test

Ah she did so well today! (this is my number 1, I am immensely proud of my daughter). M was howling and miserable, so we had to wait outside to give D a chance to perform the test for her hearing. Which she did, without any separation issues at all. She had to raise and lower little figures into a boat whenever she heard a noise, and didn't particularly want to leave. Her hearing is absolutely fine although there is a slight amount of negative pressure in her Eustachian tubes and the quietest of the lowest frequency sounds had to be turned up before she moved a figure. The testers were not worried as both children were sporting liberal amounts of green snot, and this result is entirely consistent with having a cold. A review test in 3 months. So very happy about ALL of that.

2. Cuddling an extremely tired Deborah on the sofa before bedtime. Seeing her little red shoes and remembering how new she still is. The older child does not often have that.

3. Cuddling a slightly jealous Michael just after. Glorious to feel the full weight of their bodies resting on me totally un self consciously.

4. Spending time with D when M was asleep - we did writing, drawing, sewed cards and play dough in about 20 mins!

5. Just getting through today after being woken about 6 times last night.

“Most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for and attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities.” - Dalai Lama

This reminded me about my kitchen moment. Also about how guilty I felt about having given birth as one day it means they will day. As I am so afraid of this, it sometimes seems almost selfish to have given the same as an offering to my kids. Ah nutty mother :) But then we all stuff that's just passing through - if I forget about the kids in a certain kind of way and just focus on my emotions in a completely different kind of way than it's a lot easier. Think it's about acknowledging my needs, but not sure right now. Don't need to know either, am happy for it to be a work in progress.

1. Stopped fretting about lunch and tea and fed them bread and butter on tap throughout the afternoon.

2. Fed Michael for hours, and refused some of Deborah's requests nicely so that I could still function without feeling completely drained. Made them both chocolate milk as a compromise and didn't shout when it got spilt as I peeled potatoes for tea.

3. Took them out in the morning and did stuff with them this afternoon despite no sleep last night. Allowed my body to feel as absolutely shattered as it is without too much winging.

4. Made paper hats this afternoon.

5. Started to give pauses after demands to allow time for de-grumping and time for compliance.

Minor Miracles

When I took refuge with the Lama he gave me a red thread bracelet to wear. It had 3 knots in it, 2 of which came untied before the whole thread wore through and fell off. I remembered it today after having a moment in the kitchen when listening to a beautiful song on the radio from way back when. My moment was looking at the kids and realising how they too are just souls/buddha natures travelling alongside me, it kind of freed me of that dreadful feeling of total and overall control and reminded me of a total and courteous respect for them and their feelings which I've overlooked for sometime. The bracelet came along later, the unknotting of my fear's had resonance with it being 2 knots that had gone. I told Ian about my minor miracle, and he asked if I'd seen the Lama actually do the knots, as obviously some knots will just pull apart like that. It's good it doesn't translate, as if it did I would get too caught up in the imagery and forget about the fear and the beautiful, dear children behind it all.

Too many total's perhaps, plus not all of these posts have to make perfect or indeed any sense :)

I also felt a lot better today and didn't loose my temper once. I have been so ill, in such minor ways, but with such big effects on me. I have been so full of grief and anger at my body for daring to come between me and the kids and ruin their childhood - brrrr my perfectionism is quite scary. Yet, from a compassionate view for me as the mum in training, that's a very real set of feelings and to ignore them is to be cold and harsh to myself leaving myself even more prone to anger. I guess this is something about non -duality, to cut oneself off from ones feelings is to deny oneself the opportunity to learn from the Buddha nature inherent within.

As I said, maybe not much sense.

A friend has suggested I write 5 good things I have experienced with the kids a day. She suggested a good notebook, and a nice pen, to be picked up when I feel despair and cross. I thought I would start here though, I'm having trouble identifying 5 whole things apart form making food and bedtimes.

1. Not getting angry - ok this is good :)

2. Starting the Mad Academy today, and being so proud of D who was very independent and wanted to do it all on her own, and did so beautifully.

3. Picking M up with grace and not irritation at least once today when he was howling just as I needed to do something.

4. Wrapping up D's play dough man in a wet wipe so he didn't dry out.

5.

They both

still come for cuddles and love. Maybe there is hope after all.

Pit of self loathing

Not a good place to be. I have now developed vertigo on top of a lovely 3 weeks and counting mirena inspired period. Have been insanely (literally) awful to the children, violence has returned. Trying to be compassionate but to be honest, too bloody cross with the room for spinning around, myself, and ermmmmmm myself.

Fucksocks.

Years ago

I watched a documentary as part of an unfinished psychology a-level course. In it was a brilliant pianist whose short term memory had been shot to pieces as the result of some tragedy. He continually wrote in a diary, "Now I am conscious, today I have awoken!" Struck me, my blog is a little like that. Maybe that's what staying in the present is all about?

Talking to my mum the other day about her paranoid delusions, I noticed that whereas her delusions of paranoia were bad, and mine of self are normal, both are deluded. But it's easier to say mum's are than mine.

The Lost World of Tibet (rare footage of Tibet in 1930s) 1/5

Posted in another blog and reposted here. A great line in it, about "seeking to understand the true nature of life through morality, method etc". I finally got off my mental block and wrote to the Lama, and he has written back advising me to be open, mindful to what's going on whilst remaining in the present as this will be the teaching I need right now. Couldn't really get a grip on it, which is a good thing, as it all needs to filter down, sometimes the slower the better. But it resonates with the above from that film, ties it together a bit more for me. Still very much a work in progress, incoherency is needed here to allow room for growth.

D is being wonderful atm, mainly because she is better and we have been able to Leave The House. Huge improvement in mood for us all. Reading the Compassionate Mind I remembered the problems I had asserting myself over my staff in my previous work, and realised that my fear of self assertion predates Deborah. Its a huge burst of relief that I can put my mental finger on the tangible thing that it is not D I am afraid of for triggering my anger, but it's my own inherent fear of those feelings arising. The sick feeling I have had for an awful long time of Deborah's life, the fear of being her mum and letting her down and destroying her childhood is actually my own fear of my own anger. Hooray to know that. It's been a lot easier with D, not being frightened of her strangely enough... I am much more assertive, I say the same things I said before, just with a clearer, more definite edge to my voice. When I have lost my temper, it's not been as bad, it's easier to pull back from and I don't feel so much guilt in it, just human.

It's also lovely, as I am starting to see how wonderful both my kids are. M is just starting the toddler, self determined phase, and it's great because because so far, I am not as phased by it. This will come though :)

I bought the kids new shoes yesterday - D danced down the road in them, and M copied her when out of his buggy. Long may new shoes and the joy of the moment make them dance.

So...

Three little words - coil, assertion and compassion.

I think the most important one here is compassion, I think it's what's helped me through the last five months of hormone hell, and I think it's what's giving me the courage to strike out and keep pushing forward. "Gone, gone, going on beyond" anyone?

Haven't read the Heart Sutra for a little while, but I just remembered I have the bodhi awake bit inscribed on the inside of my wedding ring and am feeling deeply moved and humbled and grateful to my teacher. He didn't have anything to with that, its the living Dharma link that is so profound and beyond my expression - see I'm tongue tied!

Somehow, it does all tie up together - even when I am so confused and self disgusted and terrified of oblivion, even them I am still feet on path, one step at a time, awakening.

And I was going to post about how the coil has removed my pms symptoms which is so, so so fabulous, how being more assertive and less fearful with D is working wonders for our relationship, about how I still struggle, but can cope so much better with that, knowing that it's a work in progress and will never be perfect, except in many ways it probably already is. Or at least it's providing us with the right conditions for learning and training.

I'm amazed and grateful.

A Compassionate Mind

by Paul Gilbert Excellent read and one that is expanding horizons. More on those in a minute. This book is lovely for me right now, as I simply cannot cope with the concept of karma and rebirth. Yes I believe they are probably true, but the thought of my foulness towards my kids having repercussions beyond this life time is horrendous. Plus a very judgemental view of Buddhist practice and one lacking in compassion and overloaded in guilt. So not a useful debate to have right now, when I am needing to get to the bare bones of it all and got on with it. The it is deliberately vague here.

Working on the exercises form the book atm, not too hard as not surprisingly my meditation practice encompasses them anyway. I am being terrified of my parental archetypes at the moment, so the book is useful as I can kind of sidetrack all of that briefly whilst empowering myself to deal with it. This fear of parental archetypes is pretty big with me. The following is from one of the mirroring exercises.

1. Fear of failure/fear of succeeding - or why I mustn't succeed with my kids as my mum didn't

If I fail I let everyone down, and the world will probably explode and no one will love me and they will all bugger off and leave me. Plus of course I will fail as I can never do anything good, because if I could, no one would have abandoned me right? If I succeed, well that's even harder. In the first place I quite simply won't succeed, thus confirming the fact that I always WILL FAIL, whilst causing acute embarrassment that I was stupid enough to have even tried in the first place - I should have known better and not wasted anyone's time. Oh and by the way I can't even keep the rock I live under clean, what's the bloody point? Plus my mother's needs are far more important than my own, she only had PND after I was born, so it's all my fault she was ill, all my fault she abandoned me, all my fault my dad abandoned me when she came home - so how dare I want anything good? I do not deserve it.

2. I don't know how to deal with a screaming toddler and my self defence is to be foul.

I do not allow Deborah to be a child. A beautiful, sweet, child with a child's grasp of emotions. I expect her to be as neurotically "clued up" on reading human emotions as I am and to display no anger, or frustration. I simply cannot allow her to have feelings. It frightens me so much when does that I feel criticised and shamed all over again, and I want to hurt her for making me hurt. Plus I love her so much for being perfect and herself on her little pedastool that when she falls I have failed her and that makes me hurt and I simply cannot be a grown up about it.

3. My father dieing was actually the first time I was able to say goodbye properly, as an adult and see how good bye is sad but not personal and not abandonment.

When dad died 5 years ago, I suddenly realised how much I wanted children. I didn't understand at the time, but knew it was something to do with the status quo being broken. When he died, we said goodbye properly, it was not the abandonment of a child to a mother weighed down with psychosis, bi-polar and PND. It was sad, but it was good-bye.

Today I realised how powerful that goodbye was. My dad was the sole permanent figure in my childhood, as my mum came and went depending on stays in the local mental hospital. I am realising now those stays were - nothing to do with me. My dad was emotionally detached and although I now know he loved me (his sister used to say so and my mum did also), never once said so in his life. He cried in his unconscious stupor on his deathbed - at the time I hoped it was a side effect of the narcotics, but thought it was really about mum, now I realise he was sad to say goodbye to me too. He died when we all left him, at the time I thought it was because he wished to die without mum because she would have been too distraught, but it was also just after I had said goodbye to him on my own. Who knows, it's impossible to tell and not totally necessary.

My beautiful kids. So much mental change is necessary on my behalf to nurture them, and yet it is all already there. I know it, but do not fully realise it because of the blocks above. It's useful to list them so I can recognise them and befriend them.

Its been a long time

and there's been shouting and awfullness and snow and lovely smiles and cuddles and kisses and play dough and sings and simply tonnes of spiders.

The main theme for the last few months has been surprisingly to me, "putting myself first". Ha who would have thought that to be an effective mummy, i have to pat attention to my own needs... So, PMS has been misery undiluted, taking up 3 out of every 4 weeks (2 weeks shouting, plus 1 week flaked out exhausted and bleeding). Sympathetic gp has suggested the coil. Online research seems to suggest this a good thing and most recent (ie out yesterday) suggests that contraceptive hormones actually have a long term effect of reducing cancer despite a short term blip of increasing it. So boldly once more into the unknown I go...

He Crawls!

Yes he does, he does! But in a very random way, not at all like his big sister. When D set about crawling, it was later in age, and very, very specific. As soon as she could that was it, but until she could, she wouldn't. M is much more of the try, try and try again school. Today it almost seems that although he can crawl, he doesn't realise yet that he can so he is still frustrated about getting places. Almost at the same time as he is getting there.

Michael is 9 months in 2 days time. In 2 days time he will have been living outside longer than living inside of me. Remember this from last time, that truely momentous sense of the baby really becoming part of the world as a separating (from me) entity.

Dentists appt

Deborah had her first dentist appt today. She was great! Despite being clearly nervous, clutching onto her big plastic spider, she sat in the wooshy chair and had a ride. She let the dentist examine her teeth with his mirror which were pronounced all fine. The dentist was brilliant with her, and took it at Deborah pace. We watched daddy have his dental examination first, which was fascinating, with a special light, wooshy chair, the works.

Ian has a job, and starts in a weeks time. I am trying not to crap myself at the thought of being single mummy during the day. It's not being alone with my children that's the problem, it's them being alone with my temper that is.... A friend has helpfully said "We are never asked for more than we can give" or some such but well, we'll see. I just HAVE to be ok which may help. On the other hand, although Ian is earning less, with our new improved shopping habit's (ie cheap all the way) we should cover the drop in income. Plus it's terribly impressive he found a new job so quickly - technically he is still employed by his previous company and is working out his notice period.

Deborah was fabulous at football this afternoon, she is really starting to concentrate and understand what to do. She loved it and was quite worn out afterwards. We are moving to Saturday as I wouldn't be able to be as hands on as she needs as obviously I need to sit with Michael. He had a great time today too, shooting speedily backwards over the polished floor. So close to crawling now. One of his favourite games is kneeling by the side of the bath and bobbing hsi head up and down to say boo. I must try and photograph it sometime the pure undiluted love in his eyes and the joy is amazing. Despite me, my babies love me!

The Voice

More of that in a bit, but first, aren't my kids great? Yesterday Deborah was wandering around Tiny Talk giving toys to other children, running up to babies who couldn't get their own and providing them with balls (she is obsessed with them - footballs, not babies). The Most Impressive Thing was seeing on seeing that a friend of hers was upset because her mum was asking for please and thank yous and the friend was not in the mood for such things, Deborah picked up the crisp said friend wanted and (drum roll) Gave It To Her. Of course we still have hitting, headbanging, howling, squeaking, and kicking to name but a few, but hey my little girl has a big heart and is not afraid to show it . I think D just does have BIG emotions, like us all. As we are not in the habit of making her to Pink to Think, then well she does and out it all comes! Michael is huge and cute and happy and sleeping better since we all sleep in the same bed. I have been trying to co-sleep with him in a separate room to Ian, so that Ian can sleep, but it seems that man snores act as a great lullaby. Of course I've jinxed it :)

Me, well it seems ok. I'm tuning to something I am calling "The Voice" and for this, one should imagine an enormous yet terribly small repellant , grimy yellow creature with lots of snot. It exhausts me and causes stress and is generally foul. My mum often speaks in "The Voice", but although I have definitely inherited it from her, I can claim complete ownership to have kept it going on my own. Basically it undermines every single thing I do, is neurotic an over complicated and believes in shouting and worse at my beautiful children. So it's there in my head and that's ok, many people have and maintain this kind of heritage. It's going to be a trick of letting be and letting go and keeping feet firmly on the floor and bum firmly on the cushion. Just going on, on beyond the shore (or whatever it says at the end of the Prjnaparamia - but really just keeping going is the point here.) Gee, who knew there so many Buddhist buzz words? This blog has been enormously helpful in this tuning process, whereas it's tortuous and achingly dull to read, it seems to help. Maybe in writing there is more of an element of listening than I am aware of. Anyway, whatever it is, thank you and Gassho.

Lots of people have this voice, think Ian has one too atm . We are arguing a little more and it seems to be coming from a place of drift. Not necessarily from each other, I sincerely hope not, just that with redundancy, toddler moods and baby induced sleep deprivation there is a lot of drift. Useful practice though, I am too concerned with correction here and need more letting be, go etc (repeat as above). This stuff is corrosive to all concerned.

Finally the great school debate - or What the Bl***y H*** do we do? A new report out says that structured learning before 6 is counter productive, this links in with what we personally already thought. Any Answers today focussed on that one question for half an hour and there was only one dissenting voice. Who would have thought it? Mums spending time with their children in a relaxed manner, allowing the children to leave at their own pace is a good and desirable thing... I am not confident in my ability to home educate, plus I think that atm, both children would benefit from being in a supportive, sympathetic environment removed from us but when they are old enough. My own fears about my lack of social ability are here, I would struggle to keep in contact with "enough people" - maybe I need to examine this one a little more? How much is enough, with The Voice, even a million would be consumed by the pessimism *laughs* How much to provide for D and M too? I am off to a LLL meeting on Tues where some other mums are planning on home educating so I will quiz them, plus their children are roughly the same age as mine which could also be useful.

A good day

Last night I lay down for a wee while after the children were asleep and kind of didn't wake up again properly. So no post yesterday. Today we all went to see Ian's parents and his brother and sister-in-law (parents staying with brother). Slight car unhappiness for D, but placated by the application of many crunchy corn snacks.

D and M basked in grand parental adoration, and I enjoyed being able to share the babies, having someone else cook the lunch and not looking around thinking "I need to tidy that". Only drawback was that I had to try and think of non-child based conversation. Ian's brother and sister-in-law run an incredibly successful business, have an incredibly swanky house and are very lovely people. I do feel a little over-awed, but I really should value my role as a mother more. I never entertained the thought of actually making money apart from enough to live on as being anything I wanted to do, so it's needless to feel over-awed by those who quite clearly do like making money and enjoy money, and their jobs very, very much. The grand parents are brilliant conversationlists though and kept us all going. Turns out bro and SIL are doing some sort of contract for a famous sportsman's brother so nana was able to keep the convo going on that whilst I gobbled roast potatoes.

Blah, blah very vague. it's hard to remember that one is unraveling one's own little corner of the universe in one's own way sometimes and that that is all anyone can do. By unraveling I'm talking about letting go. I'm reading Bill Brysons "History of Everything" atm and it's literally blowing my mind a little bit. So much of it seems to link in with Dharma, even the whole energy is matter thing. Tonight, Bill was talking about how atoms last for 10 x teeny 35 (can't do mathmatical notation) ie an incredibly long time and how all of us will contain a billion atoms from historical persons like Shakespeare or indeed anyone/thing from the past. Amazing - even more evidence (if any were needed) of interdependence.

Counting

Not, "1,2,3,5,8,9,10" like D, but using thi blog to record how often I shout. I'm amazed at the impact of writing down "I shouted at my puking baby" - it's hit home. So although this is giving in to my perfectionist tendencies, I am finding recording this stuff useful. Need to find a way for 2 tired parents to communicate without snapping now...

Think D is getting bored with tiny talk so considering changing our standard Friday am fare. There is a local group which might be good. Ian is reading the Science of Parenting which notes that children that attend pre school before the age of 5 are better developed cognitively but less well developed emotionally. As he points out, they can catch up on the cognitive stuff. D's speech is def less well developed than other children her age, as is her ability to sit and listen but she also shows compassion. Hmmm, think we may become even more freaky, deaky lentil knitting parents.

Woohoo

We *drum roll* Had A Good Day. ok so even if Momo is up every 30 mins tonight or whatever, the day was good and must be recorded. Especially as I have been such a droopy draws drama queen of late. Anyway, no shouting, 2 tantrums from D which were reasonably quickly resolved, masses of feeding from M but only to be expected what with tummy bug, working on toof number 5 and wanting to crawl so badly it hurts! D played beautifully with her blocks today with Momo and me handing out, sharing, chatting about shapes/colours and so on. Ian had a meeting in Maidenhead so we had mummy and babies time this morning and it was just lovely. Reading with D, D being able to share her bf's with Michael so much more which is hugely, hugely HUGELY impressive, just a lovely time. Lunch and then pj shopping for D - 2 pink pairs and 2 football pairs for our budding *insert name of leading womens football player because I can't which is a damn shame*. Then hot chili chocolate in a Deborah friendly cafe. Bliss.

Suspect period is coming hence huge amount of food consumed. Either that or the simply enormous amount of BF I am doing atm. D is getting very good at sharing, but part of that is sometimes feeding as often which as M often feeds every hour or 30 mins during the day means a lot of milk production. Ah well, keeps my svelte figure in trim (hollow laughter).

Good and bad are rubbish words to be using, way too primary school but currently stuck for equivalents. Then again, may be more over thinking. Hmm.

Limpet Baby

Yup the puking Momo (a traditional Tibetan dumpling and perfect nickname for M who is rather circular) needed his mummy today, and his mummy was happy to oblige. A little shouty when I was feeling overwhelmed by sheer quantity of liquid expelled plus his evident distress, but I managed to calm myself and soothe him by being there as I undressed him. Poor little guy, his t-shirt was see-through it was so wet. Moments of bliss today - Ian took Deborah to her football session (despite feeling grim himself) which left me holed up with the Momo. He fell asleep on my, so I simply edged myself back and also slept for 3/4's of an hour. Bliss! Deborah had such a great time at football though, she is the only girl there and doesn't follow instructions. It's an interesting one as I primed her by advising her to do what the teacher says but oooooo you know it's a tricky one that. Should she be primed to follow the instructions of strange men really? Too tired now, and probably over thinking.

Oh yes, the thing about the women yesterday - if only they had come up and said hello and distracted Deborah and been pleasant instead of just being someone else staring at our screaming child. Shame, missed opportunity there.

Copying

Dri9fting off to sleep last night I was thinking about what actions of mine D actively copies. Endless repetitions of "No hittin, MusnIT", endless Michael cuddles, kisses and giggles and demands for mummy cuddles, cooking, yesterday a demand I breast feed her baby doll, and spider drawings. Maybe I'm not such a terrible mother after all.... Temper still needs working on though but useful stuff to realise.

Michael and Ian ill today with upset tunmies, D has already had it and I'm hoping I have too but very mildly. Realised that my sinuses are totally blocked hence recent feelings of doom. Always gets me. So useful to blog more, although a boring read, does help me see whats going on.

Restraining Toddlers

Just how much should you restrain them when you are in a public place, and they are so out of control that they will hurt themselves, and you? Ian carried D mid tantrum today, this ended up meaning she was looped over one arm, as in all other positions she finds ways to head butt and hurt both of them. Didn't stop the gawkers though. Now, if they had been really concerned for D's welfare I would have expected them to actually come up and check us out but to keep on walking whilst turning periodically to turn and stare seemed odd. Especially as it was quite obvious that D was calming down and that, we her parents were already calm, and I don't think that most child abuse happens when one is calm and in a very public place. Although, of course, I could ALWAYS be proven wrong. Actually it has made me much more pro holding and walking not less as it gives us all quiet space for emotional dissipation and less chance for D to cause pain, which is always good.

Deliberately wrote this mornings post when I was feeling pretty grim after waking. There are some recurrent themes for me atm that I would like to do more with, and they come up biggest and most scary when I am feeling vulnerable. Later on I try and hide it, and I need to not do this. So no resolution here, just identification and awareness.

Useful stuff from the LLL this am, including me pretty candid and being assured this was all normal. At the time this didn't seem like much, but now it does. Also, stuff about making lists of triggers and making up solutions when calm, treating energy as anger and walking or reconnecting with nature (second time this has come recently) when it arises, and allowing the children to own their own feelings so that all I have to do is own my response to them. A nice thing on the sleeplessness too - I am making the choice to be there for my children (M needs me at night, D needs me 1st thing in the am, so lie-in's are rare), so don't need to resent the tiredness as it's the result of my own decisions, not something imposed upon me. To be completely honest, this doesn't quite hit the spot, as I know and honour that decision already anyway, but its good to be able to discuss in such a supportive setting.

So lots to work on. Oh yes, more too for myself about my perfectionist nature. If I wasn't so determined for my children to Have The Best Childhood I Can Possibly Give Them it may be easier... Plus, I would be less stressed, so would they and you what? Everyone might jut be that little bit happier :) Who would have thunk it?

Hot bath and bed calls, night night.

Just so tired. Not yet 9 and I'm ready for bed. Hate it, it's so insidious. Having a quieter week so feel lonely but hate that feeling and am rubbish at dealing with it. Already been too shouty and foul with the wee one this am, bleurgh.

Turning and Facing

Sooooo we had mum to visit yesterday and for the first time in ages I was so calm. Then I realised, I was finally turning and facing all my stuff rather than running terrified and lashing out, feeling overwhelmed. Need to carry on with this approach if I can work out how to do it. Suspect letting go may play a part in it somewhere.

Also, D is much calmer herself. We took her to get her shoes measured, and her feet have gone up 2 sizes in the past month. She has been on a massive growth spurt! Part of it has been mental too, hence her need to climb and run and kick balls and all sorts of other stuff. Am hoping her newly developed habit of screaming for entire car journeys is related to this need and will go when it has been expressed. Well, you win some, you lose some.

M is huge and getting huger. Teeth popping out all over the place - ok all in the mouth, and he only has 4, but it seems like a lot more. Today we finished his room (laughs - D's was finished months before she was born, how different it all is with 2 :) and he is in it as I write. Not sure hwo long he will stay in it tonight though. So much nicer to sleep cuddling my baby, and better quality sleep for both of us two.

Am reading the "Fussy Baby" book by the venerable Sears' atm., They advise burnt out mums to keep a daily journal so watch out for more of my drivel. Reading it makes my feel much less burnt out and much more grateful for my two who are both a little high need atm. But that's all good and it is an honour to have those needs to meet. Stroking Deborah tonight as she lay in bed waiting for sleep I remembered the profound sense of awe I felt when she was born, welcoming this incredibly old yet completely new being into my life and it crept over me again.

No shouting

As it says on the box - we realised how shouty we were getting with D, mainly due to how aggressive she was getting. So we stopped, and surprise, surprise so's she. Hmmm might there be a Dharma teaching yelling out to be heard in there? Ahhh compassion and karma, once more unto the breach etc, etc. Basically it's so lovely for me too, I didn't realise just how much I was scaring me when I shout. Sometimes it's inevitable, as when D ran into the road today, but most of the time, a calm quiet voice, face to face contact at toddler level and respectful speech is much better. I was so busy triggering my own inner child's wailings I was rendering myself completely incapable of dealing with the real wailing child in front of me. Poor kid.

Another lesson coming up is how differently people see D to me and Ian. We see her as confident, loud, outgoing, happy with huge lashings of toddler, fierce intelligence and concentration. Talking to lots of other people (some of whom whose judgement I trust ;), they see her as quiet, stroppy, introverted, intense, self-content, needing space and zoning out when it's all too much, bright and with an immense concentration. Suspect the truth is somewhere in between. Must free her from my projections.

We do have a nice life!

It's perfectly wonderful and I love it deeply. Needed to say that because I do whinge so much!

Running in ever decreasing circles of self hatred and fear recently - how to be a better, less shouty, more compassionate mum? Grasping at half thought-out ideals - I should remember deep compassion, I should remember how I felt as a child, how I feel after I have shouted, how much I love Deborah and Michael, their almost impossible preciousness to me, I should remember about innocence and dependency as a child, vulnerability and heart ache, low self esteem from conflicted parenting, I should take more responsibility - you can probably guess where this is going, needless to say the list goes on...

Today I tried to simply relax into a really good moment, just to be. The be-ing is sustaining and just is, and you never know, it may help with the grotty bits. I love my kids!

In the meantime, it's really difficult to do anything reasonable like string two words together, remember words, names, faces blah di blah on the sef pitying trip when I'm getting so little sleep. If I didn't try so hard, it would be a lot easier.

Redundancy

Ian's been redundant. More accurately he is on gardening leave, and if no more work can be found, he will receive notice of redunancy in a months time, after which he will be made redundant in 10 weeks time. He will get paid for all of that time, plus receive a lump sum so we will be ok for a while.

Now the mummy tiger in me has stopped screaming "but we have a 6 month baby, nd a toddler how could they DO this to us?" I'm feeling slightly more rational. Of course they can do it to us, and its actually been done in a very humane and generous way for which I am incredibly grateful. I have decided not to tell my mum for the simple reason she will fret and I will react, probably very negatively. Its kinder to all to simply leave it. I will mention it at some point, just when I feel strong enough not be nasty.

Huge big shock, so many friends are living under the threat of it, and yet it's actually happened to us. Oh well, has to happen to someone.

Continued from yesterday

Well I went to bed and I thought, you know I haven't written down half of what I need to remember - so here goes.

The tantrums have been a huge journey. The first step towards this phase happened a couple of days or so before Deborah's MMR. At the time I remember being so thankful as I knew that if that step had co-incided or come after the jab I would never have been able to be sure just what caused it. This is from someone that views vaccines as a social and moral duty too.

Anyway, we all carried on mainly just holding or using distraction when D had a tantrum. It was a difficult time as a lot of it was at the same time as I had hyperemisis with Michael, so spirals where we fed each other's behaviour were more common than I liked. The hyperemsis was so awful - poor D to have such a grotty mummy, 5 months is a long time when you are less than 2.

When I was in labour, I heard awful, awful stories from Ian about how difficult D was finding it without me, she wouldn't eat, was howling all morning and was told by his parents who very kindly came to look after her that " they would be there when she had finished". Needless to say this did not work, but fair enough they are of the generation that views that sort of behaviour as dangerously manipulative, and leaves babies in prams outside for hours until their next feed etc, etc. It was a difficult time for all of us and at least D was with people she loved even if none of them were getting on particularly well at that point.

When I came out of hospital D naturally was hugely jealous of M, hitting him a lot and finding me feeding him just dreadful. It was horrendous for all of us and is probably the reason why Ian now spends so much time at home - D's spark points used to be when I fed Michael and I needed extra hands to cope. Its safe to say we were not terribly consistent in how we dealt with D, I wanted her hugged but was/am shouty, Ian's tolerance was longer than mine so he would leave D for longer than I could, and that also led to tensions. Oh boy all that plus a very hungry new baby in the mix - it was a difficult time.

Although leaving D to work it out didn't work, the one benefit for me was that it gave me clues on how to find space within the high drama. It reminded me to breathe and be calm. So although it was temporarily worse for Deborah, it somehow released enough space in me to be able to cope better in the long term. Another big stepping stone was talking to a friend at a BfN support meeting about the tantrums. I finally admitted that my real sticking point was my complete and total fear that this seemingly bi-polar behaviour was just that - bi-polar in my beautiful daughter and she was going to end up committed in an asylum by her mid-twenties (why so specific? I suspect more than a hint of transference) and there was NOTHING I could do about it. Several swallows later and staring out the window (I really didn't want to start howling myself, the friend was doing far more than duty calls for already) the enormity of my fears hit me and I listened to them. At the same group, another mum shouted at me as Deborah hit her much smaller, younger daughter. It clicked then, that D is my one and only priority and she is just, just, "just" a child, behaving as children (and me on occasions) do. I am responsible to her and no one else in that situation. Naturally I apologised to the mum and removed D but it was a useful, if painful moment.

Somehow we muddled on and luckily just started to hold Deborah when she was howling. The space she needed was not physical space on the floor, but loving space in our arms whilst she sobbed and screamed and raged. Then I read the book I mentioned in the previous post and suddenly, thankfully it all made sense. Now I can see which bits of me are reacting also, as my own childhood has left me damage and really wanting to lash out so much. More importantly I hope that the loving space in our arms is helping D's brain to grow loving neurons so she can become more resilient. There's something to be said for supporting someone in pain that surely means long term mental illness is less, not more likely. And that's why I think our society is so sad. So pre-disposed to ignoring our own emotions having been taught they are wrong we continue to suppress our own and those of our children and so it continues. Heartbreaking.

This is not to suggest any of this is fait accomplis by any measure. Still a work in progress, but hopefully one we are creating together and not at odds over. Time will tell.

Our tantrum journey

Reading this post really made me think about what we've been up too. For various reasons (inexperience and a culture geared towards disbelieving and belittling children's emotions helped) we were rubbish at dealing with Deborah's tantrums. More specifically, we were taking it personally, and felt put upon almost and that she should meet our expectations and DO something, DEAL WITH IT and other obnoxious-itites. We went though the whole gamut of holding her, taking to her, time out, saying "we will be here when you've finished, you can have a cuddle then" and you know what, surprise, surprise nothing "worked".

Then, thankfully I read this book and realised that actually it is my little girl crying, in pain, anger hurt, frustration whatever. It doesn't matter, she is just crying (and headbanging, hitting, shoving whatever) and our job as parents is just to love her and hold her in that space so she can deal with it. Same job as always, nothing else required. And now we do hold her, and yes she still tantrums but it's a lot less, shorter when it happens and we're all a lot less grumpy.

Why are we (and by this I mean as a society) so geared towards punishment for distress? So sad! As the play on radio 4 said today (about a french woman falling in love with a nazi soldier and being persecuted by her village) "Hate is easy, but love is so much harder".

Our holiday was fabulous!

A week in a folding camper with two smallies and two biggies may not sound much but it was heaven. More of that later (prob not tonight).

Can't stop thinking about death right now. Having children really puts one right into the whole stream of it all - being childless meant although I was terrified of death I was somehow more apart from it, but now I AM part of the whole maiden mother crone trilogy. Their youth marks my becoming older. Really dont know what to do with this one, having the screaming heebie jeebies is my common reaction but not useful. Walking to the toilet block with Deborah holding my hand, seeing all the caravans coming and going, I couldn't stop just feeling the impermanence of it all. One time I left her behind as I was going for a shower and as she watched me go I was so so aware that soon it will be me watching and waiting. Michael has teeth and stands and rolls and eats (so far only sand but you get the picture) and it's all so darn quick! And I love them so so so much and know I will not always be there for them. They will also face the speed of time, and I can't protect them from that or their own mortality and stupidly I feel guilty.

So melodramatic I apologise. Buddhists are supposed to be able to deal with this stuff, at the very least it's the heart of our practice. I must contct the Lama somehow. Probably not a visit as even though the fact of my own physical impernance and insignificance in the face of the universe terrifies me, sadly not more than navigating a trip to the big smoke with two small children.

Be the change you want to see in the world

or in this case, our children. Thinking today, it's been about falling in love all over again. Those precious first few moments seeing that sweet face you've felt for nine months, the first feed, the coming home, the becoming a sibling, mum of two, all of that stuff. In all the midst of that, as well cleaning, cooking, eating, an amazing love affair is going on with mum and new baby and old baby is pushed out. Now we are learning to love as a four not as a three, the love affair is spreading. Our parenting is now coming from that love and I realised that that was what Gandhi meant.

Realising just why obediance parenting just doesn't quite do it for me. My spiritual practice is so limited, but it is all pervasive and every all at once. So I simply have to try to do it this way.

Also, I am a good enough mum but not a perfect one. This is a good thing!

Almost unbearably precious

Folding clothes for our holiday (specifically the childrens clothes) and reading on the internet about another wee one murdered by those caring for her. Each scrap of material, each scribbled spider, each random bread stick, each abandoned bib is so precious to me because it means that we have children. The loss of any of it is unbearable to think about.

Hooray!

One day without a major tantrum.  Possibly due to having had a good lunch, woken later, had lots of snacks in the morning, no sleep after lunch, cooler weather, more hands on intervention possible as Ian around and Michael asleep or happy at salient points, and more hugs.  Only one other child walloped so today feels like a good day.  Not quite so ready to ask permission to be a mum today :)

All points to how tantrums are a culmination of lots of other stuff and how little a toddler brain can really cope with.  I think I expect far too much, simply because she walks, whereas really she is a baby on wheels who can talk.  I'm rubbish in the heat too...

Independence and dependency

Most accurately summed up by D today.  Requesting to sit on my lap and sing "All the little ducks".  We usually do the movements for her, but no, today she did them all herself, carefully removing my "helping" hands so she could.  Such a thing, wanting mummy's lap for the springboard, mummy to sing for the communal effort but needing the space to do her own thing too.  Pure toddler, distilled to a t.  Good on her!  Something for me to remember next tantrum time too (not necessarily just D's tantrums...). 

A week is a long time for little ones.

In the last week, D has started to use words like "and" "another" be more physically demonstrative, demand kisses, have the most enormous strops after waking up in the afternoon, show increased awareness of where things live in the house and replace without being asked, help clean Michael's bum, ask for nappy change when she needs one, continue to increase her straight backed gait up and down stairs, play computer games with her daddy.

In the last week Michae has sprouted1 (but quite possibly 2) 2nd incisor tooth (bottom left and maybe top right), turned on his side from his back, sat up longer and longer with an increasingly straight back, gone to sleep on his own, become more and more dextrous, passed an object from one hand to another.

I am working on the practice of their cries being my meditation bells.  This is because I have been so involved in it all, I've been crowding them out of their own stuff which is not helpful to anyone.  It's hard, the anxiety is now more acute, but does pass.  It's also weird as what actually happens is that I feel I am being very spacious when D is having a tantrum, but looking back what I have actually been doing is just focussing on staying calm, but with huge levels of underlying panic.  So I don't really know what's going on and in all honesty I'm kind of trying to not try to hard to find out!

I'm also going to bed earlier, so night night! 

And then...

.... she puked all weekend!  Poor sausage!  So there was jolly good reason to be behaving so dreadfully.  Oh well.  All that, pus an intellectual growth spurt meaning many more sentences, able to go up and down stairs straight backed with no support and climbing in and out the camper on our inaugral trip last weekend.  He on the other hand has sprouted the corner of an incisor.  At 4 months!  I blame the father (Ian "grew" his at 3 months).  Today feeling awed and grateful for them.  Children are constant miracles.  

Please, please, please let this be a phase.

So much screaming today.... At least less headbanging but soooooo much screaming.  D is going through a real mummy mummy MUMMY phase, and now has the cold I just did. As well as getting over the one she just had. Soooooooo in about a month, goodness how many colds and schniffles between us, me with mastits, M with a growth spurt, and D just screeeeeaaaaaaming.  I managed to only shout once today, which for me was a huge achievement.  Not at all hard to see where she gets it from.  I so neeeeeed to model better behaviour. 

You know...

it wasn't just me who lost it, D wasn't so good either.  But after a while I felt kind of refreshed - I think I'd let go of my part in it, and seeing that all I could do at that time was feed Michael, well thats all I did.  Horrible for D, and tricky to be learning about sharing when you are in such a necessary egocentric phase, but well, that's just the way it was.  Somewhere along the line I learnt something useful about my stuff being my stuff, and D's being her's. Of course I am her mother, but sometimes I just can't make the good stuff happen.  Then it's important for me to learn new skills in supporting and deaing with stress.  Not justifying, just learning, travelling along with my beautifu little girl.

Felt for her this week though, the head banging came back, but then she has just had a bug so possible sinus infection, and had a poorly mummy who was glued to the sofa whincing with a big fat baby permanently attached. Going to get her checked  out at the gp to double make sure all is well, following an at home day today, with lots of mummy time she seems calmer.

As an aside, we al went to the Annual Nestle Demo on Saturday.  Mike Brady had to shout very loudly at one point over the loud cries of "wwwwwhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeee".  D was very happy to find someone to run round with, it was a little bizarre when the child with her picked up the small cardboard coffin and ran round with it as a hat, and of course D joined them underneath it. Thankfully the small black baby doll that D had managed to remove a leg from meaning it lost its pants had been reinstated by this point....

Later on

it turned into an exciting game involving guinea pig bedding and the rest of her tea set, which then involved mummy, hoover and washed tea set and replacement of bedding with dried beans to satisfy that pouring need.  Just as I was doing well at pretending to be a good parent, Michael really got into his stride with his growth spurt, Deborah started to feel really tired, left out and jealous, and I, dear reader, lost it.  Thankully Ian was here to become the calm parent and he held Deborah until she fell asleep.  I spent the rest of the day feeding Michael.  Wanted to bog to remind myself how it can all turn and turn back again on the eye of a needle.  There's something in there for me to remember...

My WONDERFUL Daughter

(reposted from FB because it deserves to be, you'll see)

"D has a habit of crumbling biscuits on the floor, she seems to really enjoy the sensation. Needless to say we don't enjoy the after effects... Had just done some vague hoovering in the living room as a friend is coming round, and D crumbled her oatcake. As I was rushing to the loo I asked if she could put the crumbs on her plate. I came downstairs to find an extremely industrious daughter picking the crumbs up, putting them in a plastic casserole dish, running into the kitchen, lifting the lid of the bin up and throwing the crumbs inside. Fine she was doing one crumb at a time, but it's blown me away!"

Mastitis (again)

aren't anti biotics wonderful?

Mastitis

Ick!

Oh this is good

Using this blog I can see the last time I was really shouty, and it's 2 weeks ago!  Which is definitely an improvement.  Of course, now I've blogged it I will be shouty for evermore, but feel for D and M that they had a 2 week break.

Must remember today...

.... because it may never happen again!  I had the children from 8.30 am to 2.30 pm completely on my own and all was fine.  We all actually rather enjoyed it.  True we got to this morning's group an hour late, but that actually suited D better so was a good discovery.

On a perhaps more interesting note, speaking to a friend yesterday on the phone, she asked how the children were, and I replied, "Oh great, they're getting on, they LOVE each other" she laughed and said "Oh that's just a phase".  It made me realise how contrived I've been (understandably but even so its there), and how worried and how, well you get the picture by now... Another important reminder to LET GO!

Speaking of letting go, came into the room this am to find Michael gagging on the oatcake his sister had tenderly inserted into that tempting baby mouth of his.  Much removal of oatcakes and joint binning followed.  Then return to find M about to fed a rice cake, more removal etc.  Not so much baby led weaning as toddler led - D obviously doesn't realise that we dont wean till 6 months now dear and is old school in her approach.  Mind you, Prof Gideon Lack suggests we are more prone to food allergies because we are not exposed to minute scraps of potential allergens in just this way, hence the rise of peanut allergies etc.  Look him up, interesting stuff.

I need to move the snack cupboard I think...

She loves me

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Yup, D is getting over her acutely heart broken stage at Michael's arrival, and if I am honest, so am I.  Never of case of loving one or the other, or doubting my capacity to love both, more about how to fit it all in.  Somehow we are fitting enough in, prob not as much as before (sneaky suspicion this may be better), but enough.  We are healing together which is as it should be.  Meanwhile Michael is doing just fine thank you very much - not knowing anything different and being a very small baby, copious amounts of boob, sleep, cuddles and interesting big sister to watch suit him well indeed.

So far...

... missed the bus, put my undies on back to front and grumped at D.  The first 2 dont matter. 

Broad St today

Suddenly hit by the certainty of everyone's Buddha nature.  No more than that, and I can only remember having the flash, not how it felt, did was or anything.  But wow! Kissing Michael's head, ruffling Deborah's hair, contact with my children transports me to bliss.

A beautiful day, thank you.

Three Little Words...

.. Feeding on demand.  Have worked out I am just going to be exhausted whatever I do, it's not D's added feeding needs that are exhausting me.  However, not responding to them leads to tantrums which do!  So more full-fat coffee and earlier nights for me, whilst the behemoth and his sister suckle to their hearts content.

Realised this am that D mainly used to regulate her temper through nursing, and because I have been twitchy about how much she is feeding atm, she has not only had to find another way - more tantrums- but has had an ambivalent mummy to cope with also.  No wonder she has been more frustrated, plus the whole being 2 and having a new brother thing....

The Behemoth (otherwise known as Michael) is doing an excellent job of a human nipple clamp, a skill which I wish he hadn't learnt for another 20 years and certainly not on his mother.  Not stopping him from expanding at an incredible rate (I swear if you watched him you could actually see it) and despite hitting 12 weeks today, his 3-6 month clothes are working hard to contain him.  Woohoo for ebay and clothes bundles! Sadly those for post-partum podgy mummies are not so exciting. 

Lovely Afternoon

Sat in the garden with lots of garden toys, 2 toddlers and 1 baby covered in sun cream, 1 other mummy and snacks.  The chocolate got everywhere, as did the sand and water and my goodness dont mention the sunblock, but we had fun.  Need more days like this!

Managing Anger

So far I am managing to....

1. reduce shouting

2. not belitte or call names

3. be very specific about what needs to happen

4. sit on my hands

5. speak quietly

6. walk away

I still need to 

1. be more consistent

2. offer more food (to myself, Deborah and Michael)

3. take more deep breaths for immediate distance

I need this blog

Looking back at some of the posts I realise I am not as bad as I often think.  This week's big revalation was that I don't always shout when I am angry.  Not doing so well this morning, feel literally drained as both children being milk monsters, but we are about to go out for curry.  This will continue to be a very dull and tedious blog, but I need someplace to find a mirror.

How I gave Birth.

This was posted at the time on a pregnancy forum but it seems fitting to post it here now. Not long after I posted it originally I was back in hospital for a few days as I couldn't stop throwing up or eat. Somehow I managed to keep on breastfeeding which is miraculous. Thanks again are due to the staff at the Royal Berks - how many times strangers saved my life.

" Isn't she beautiful!

Also wanted to say how amazing I personally found the staff at the Royal Berks Midwifery Unit, they were amazing! My waters broke on Friday am about 5am so we went into hospital where they wired me up to a monitor for a short while to check on Deborah as my contractions weren't starting. Not much happened apart from pains on Friday night, and then many more, regular contractions on Saturday around 11 am. I was in the bath, so I got out and rushed to the hospital, throwing up as I went.... When I got there the MW said my cervix was only thinned, not dilated, and that I could go home and control the pain with paracetomol. For some reason I was too scared to go home, and was still being sick, so I asked to stay. I had some pethidine as the pain was so bad, and they put me in a non-delivery room. At that point it all gets a bit weird. I'd tried some gas and air, but it made me feel soooo drunk, but after the pethidine I could hardly speak. A new MW took over took one look at me and got really concerned. I was really out of it by this point, and all I could say was "I can't do this". I was still having contractions, but my cervix was opening really slowly. It was probably about 4pm by now. Fairly soon after they suggested an emergency c-section, and to be honest I was relieved. I was thinking of asking for one as I could feel the contractions weren't doing anything. So funny, I kept on needing to pee and wondering off to the loo shakily, hooked up to a drip, with just a t-short on and my kecks hanging out, past a tv room, but I just didn't care lol. The fetal monitor showed that Deborah was in distress, so they got me in theatre for about 6 ish. Honestly the moment I had the epidural it was bliss! I was so terrified of it, but it was like putting my legs in a warm bath. The anesthetist was brilliant, he spoke to me throughout the whole op, and kept a close eye on my drugs, so when the stuff they were using triggered my asthma he bought a nebuliser, when they made me sick he bought a little bowl, he was really good.
Deborah was born at 6.29pm and she gave everyone a little shock as she was still quite high up in my uterus, still at 3/5ths engaged. They think that after my waters breaking I caught a womb infection, and that this, plus the total loss of my waters made my womb clamp really tightly around poor Debs so she couldn't engage properly, and the contractions couldn't have worked. For anyone reading this whose waters do break before labour this is very rare, so don't worry! Most times it is absolutely fine. I'm really good at picking up bugs, so if it was going to happen to anyone it would be me lol.
Debs needed some facial oxygen but had good apgar scores. She weighed 7lbs 7oz's and is totally healthy thankfully. After she was born they were trying to put my womb back, but it started to bleed heavily every time it contracted, which meant I had a hemorrhage loosing about 2 litres of blood. I was on the table for another couple of hours to sort me out, and they sent Debs up to be fed as she had low blood sugar. Eventually they managed to sew me up, with the help of a rouche balloon? to control the bleeding. Luckily before the op I'd managed to warn the surgeon that I do bleed heavily with this sort of thing (although I've only ever had dental surgery before) which she said was helpful. No idea how I remembered that in the state I was in, but someone was looking out for me.
We went up to the HDU where we stayed until Sunday evening, after which I went on the main wards and I had a whole variety of MW's squeeze my boobies into amazing shapes to feed Debs. I was still hooked up to all sorts of drips, so it was quite difficult. On Sunday my colostrum dried up and I was in bits all day. I didn't expect to have a c-section, and still feel like I haven't really "given birth" which is silly. I had to start with formula feeding, and it's only really today that my milk has come in and with 2 visits back to the breast-feeding clinic that I've been able to feed Debs. I'm really hoping to able to keep on feeding her, it's been really difficult trying so fingers crossed. I still dont feel brilliant as am strong anti-biotics, but am making a good recovery. The most important thing is that we have our beautiful baby daughter - I keep on gazing at her in awe as she is so lovely, and OH is so in love and a dab hand at nappies lol. Apologies for the length, this is all bit long-winded! But, I'd do it all again 10 times over as I'm sure any mum would as Debs is beautiful!"

Quick recap - and joy!

Some of you know that my mum was recently admitted to a psychiatric unit under suspicion of a suspected suicide attempt. It wasn't that, it was actually that she'd taken too many of her anti-anxiety drugs in order to stop thinking for the day. The trigger for this was that she had just been to visit us when Debs was 3 weeks old and she found it very difficult as it brought up too many memories of past stillbirths/miscarriage that she had before she had me. Anyway we've been talking on the phone as I have not felt strong enough to see mum, and last week I sent her some lovely photographs of Debs. Last night I got a phone call saying she has been readmitted to a psychiatric unit for intensive medical therapy. In a way it's been really helpful as something inside has finally clicked and I no longer feel responsible for any of it, just really, really sad. I always used to feel really responsible as when I was little I was told mummy got ill when I was born, and I figured that therefore her being ill was my fault and that it would have been better if I hadn't been born. She was also a serial abuser and used to regularly hit me leaving marks as well as lots of shouting and emotional abuse. She only stopped hitting me once I was big enough to hold her off but she was still hitting dad in a "play" way before he died. I did stop her when I saw it happen. Obviously I love her as she is my mum and I do think that it's quite obvious that she has never had adequate medical support. Also I'm aware that somehow our family slipped through the net to a certain extent to allow the abuse to continue. As a child I didn't realise it was abuse that realisation came later, also accompanied with the realisation of how awful it must be to be the perpetrator of all of that. As the survivor of it one can go forward and be joyful about the future but as the perpetrator the guilt stays with you. It certainly stayed with mum and many of our conversations during the time I was pregnant dwelt on my childhood and and even more so on her previous stillbirths (2) and miscarriage. It was always very hard as I actually want to leave my childhood behind and don't feel I can absolve mum of her guilt. I have said many times it's ok, as I do understand she was ill but it's up to her to drop that final burden. The times when she talked her children were particularly difficult as Debs was growing fast within my womb and I was extra vulnerable then. I asked her a few times to not talk about these issues, the last time was 2 weeks before Debs was born. Then I wrote her a letter asking her to seek help elsewhere I was unable to give it. This triggered some major psychosis which also involves feelings of guilt about my father's death. This then led to her first admission into hospital after meeting Debs.

Last night was a blessing in disguise. I have finally twigged that I am not responsible for any of this and despite the fact that many of mum's episodes seem to be triggered by good things happening to me I've finally realiesd it's not punishment. It's not mum beating me up anymore which it felt like but just her irrational brain doing irrational things which I can't hope to understand. So although I naturally feel very sad about it and want to cry I no longer feel at fault. This is such a huge relief it's like dropping the biggest ever piece of luggage so in a way I am grateful to mum right now. It is good she is back in hospital - the mental health worker I spoke to last night feels that mum has been treated for too long with the wrong dosage of the older type of anti-psychotics - mainly because mum has refused newer treatments and will not take stronger doses lol. Hopefully that choice will be taken away from her in order to benefit her which seems a funny thing to write.

As I write I can feel my neck extending upwards. For years I have suffered from a huge emotional flinch that has dominated everything. Like many other survivors of abuse I felt compelled to re-create this flinch as it was the only form of love/attention I felt happy with, hence when I was presented with real happiness I had to re-produce my flinch through fear and perfectionism. But now I see my flinch for what it is a conditioned response not a crutch and its ok because I can make friends with it. it's good to make friends with my flinch as this I can do. I can't undo the past, I cant stop mum from hurting, but I can make friends with my flinch :)

Here and Now

I like meditating! It's so nice to reconnect with that softer side that allows space for all of me all the nice and nasty bits without discrimination. That softer space is pointing to all the perfectionism still governing my relationships - guess what with mum lol. I've realised it takes 2 to tango and although there is love between us there is a lot of other stuff too and its ok for all of it to be there. So next time we talk on the phone and she complains about hmmm well everything lol I'm going to try and remember the middle path through it all, I dont need to jump and solve it, or feel guilty that I feel resentful for being placed in a "saviour" position, I can just allow it to be there and smile at my perfectionism.

Deborah is wonderful - nothing like a small baby as a teacher. So much love which gives me a nice break from the fear and perfectionism, giving me a good opportunity to appreciate all of me. Gazing in her deep grey eyes which sparkle like heamatite while she nurses is mind-blowing. Such a thing to be born a female and to have offered a ride to someone else for 9 months! Gratitude to all the Buddha's but especially Green Tara.

Gratitude

As you can see Debs is being introduced to yoga already :) I'm proud to report that the first thing she has officially grabbed at was my mala (Buddhist rosary) whilest I was meditating, but that could easily be explained by the fact it's an easy object for a baby to grasp at.

Debs is now 13 weeks old and is a wonderfully happy child. She has a lovely infectious grin and charmed lots of our friends on a recent holiday. She enjoys time by herself and also with people, and loves watching other babies. She is teaching myself and Ian an awful lot about being in the moment as that's what babies do an awful lot of, it's a privilege to be around.

Being a mum is wonderful and my heart flows over with gratitude. To spend time with my daughter is the most precious time in the world. To think that 2 beings passing through time and spce in the way we do can form such a relationship is awe-inspiring.

Deborah Samantha Cotton

Born 6.29 pm, 10th February 2007 and obviously the Best Baby in the World.

Premonition

This from Ian... Only if baby takes after dad though, if it takes after me it will have the anti-knack!

Mandala

It's late and I'm awake finishing off sewing cushion covers for a rocking chair I plan to use for nursing. It will also be good to use it now for getting up, especially as it is newly covered. On my windows media player is a tape of one of the senior monks from Ian's tradition talking about mandala's. Although these figure predominantly in the Tibetan tradition I have little idea about them or how they are used, so I've been listening along.

From this, I get the gist that the 5 Buddha families are represented as points on the mandala, and that each of these has it's own representation as a "hindrance" ie greed, rejection etc. That the nature of each of the points is both hindrance and Buddha is wonderful. It means that each hindrance is to be considered a Bodhisattva.

In this light, it's is pertinent for me to realise that mum is my very own Bodhisattva, symbolising for me hatred, and ignorance. As I mentioned before there is a dark side within me that is almost glad to be able to use my own upbringing as an "excuse" for "failing" with my child. If these feelings are understood to be points on my own personal mandala, and often personified by the various people I meet on the way, how much more useful are they? I have been so grateful for this situation arising, as it's one I have always struggled with, and I have felt that I am really getting somewhere on the very superficial level of addressing my relationship with mum. On a more personal level, then what does this mean? In the same teaching, the monk talks about how women need to avoid hiding behind inadequacy and over adequacy - ie behind a traditional female role, or the more aggressive persona often adopted when we find ourselves battling in the workplace etc. I can see the link here between my fear (the inadequacy) and perfectionism (the over adequacy). So again, I am dealing with my two friends, but it is at a more subtle, certainly less physical level than the ME operated. Mind you today I have been fighting nausea, so maybe it is manifesting there too.

As the monk says, the guardians of the mandala points often have terrifying appearances, and it has been a bumpy ride recently. I am grateful however for the bumps and the scary faces, and for the continual power of Dharma to point me back to myself. I have written to mum with much love, I do feel it is a kindness to someone to say "its ok to let go" which in some ways was the essence of my letter to her. But, it is more important for me to take that kindness to heart and practice again just recognising and letting go of my 2 good friends, fear and perfectionism.

Health Visitor

Had my ante-natal visit from the health visitor today which I knew was going to include screening for the likelihood of post-natal depression. So I got in first and discussed the condensed version of the past few weeks... Happily I score low risk for it - she asked me what did I think was it about me that meant I was able to overcome the abuse. I said determination, and I wish I'd also said practice, but the two are related. Without the Lama it would be much higher.

Thanks are also due to Rev Olwen, we talked yesterday about drawing boundaries for my mum. Apparently Eckhart Tolle talks about the existence of a pain body - this feeds on pain in order to survive, and is why we crave pain, and cause it. Mum needs a lot of pain to feed her pain body, and on reflection as I was dropping off to sleep last night, so do I!. I see so many relationships I have soured to cause pain, it really is a comfort zone. Even in my thoughts about child -rearing I sometimes catch glimpses of a darker side that is pleased to have been abused, as it will be a get-out clause for any failures I make with my child. I haven't read "The Power of Now" yet, so I don't know what Tolle recommends one does with one's pain body, but I shall certainly start to honour it's presence.

Mum is getting to quite a handful again, according to Rev Olwen it is her child desperate for attention. I agree, Mum's pain body is also addicted to drama (as is mine) so she realistically only has a few weeks to get in there before my real baby is born. I'm going to write to Mum asking her not to mention her dead babies or expect me to solve her problems. If she feels like she needs support for that, then please seek it elsewhere - if she does persist, then I shall lovingly, but firmly refuse to speak to her. That way, the ball is in her court, she know's what the problem is, and also, she is empowered to do something about it. I think one of the problems of the long-term mentally ill, is that people around you are great at saying, "Oooooo aren't you doing well now...", which realistically can only be helpful for a bit. After a while I feel there must be the recognition that doing well is actually a long-term project, and the longer I make it ok for mum not to do well, the less viable that long-term project will seem to her.

My belly is growing every day, I now have beautiful stretch marks which means baby is growing ever bigger, and becoming more of a presence. As we are approaching the end of one phase, plus the beginning of the next, I feel the need to both honour and enjoy it.

Beautiful Sunset

Sitting upstairs pulling a few rogue hairs from my chin (pregnancy is SO glamorous) I looked up and was spellbound by the glory of the setting sun. A chimney stack with aerial was highlighted in front of the setting golden globe, and white clouds scudded across the deepening blue sky. I pray for baby that it will see the beauty in moments like that and that they remind it of it's real nature. In fact, it's a nice thing for all of us, young and old!

Wheel turning

I think Wibbles put her finger on it - the wheel is turning! I also think it will probably always be difficult to some extent with my mum but that's not something I can resolve. Christmas showed me that. I now see it as an opportunitiy to really sit tight and sit deep. And that's cool! Very cool, as obviously that's about having confidence in me. Confidence inspired by Buddha nature and the strength of my practice. Rather then denigrating my meditation all the time, perhaps it's about appreciating the beauty and power of the practice for what it is and letting it ROAR! Roar dharma indeed!

Merit to all beings.

36 weeks

We went to the midwife yesterday and she was able to confirm that baby is now 3/5's engaged. This is a measure of how far into my pelvis it's head is. The prospect of labour is exciting and daunting, but more exciting. We did parentcraft classes and the lovely midwife who took them, explained that during labour the cervix and vagina are stretched to become one gate through which the baby comes. I found this really resonated with Dharma but not in a way I can define. Something about that the moment of birth is the moment of passing through this gate and how momentous yet commonplace and non-eventful this is.

I was writing to a very dear friend of mine last night, and was talking about Christmas. I'm being a bit like a dog with a bone - it feels useful and productive now, but I'm aware of the need to drop it in the future. Anyway I said to my friend, " Thinking about it last night I remembered one incident from my teens where she[mum] really put herself out for me, and then took me back under her roof when I'd made a real hash of things, so I'm allowing the memory of that love to sit side by side with the abusive memories." So I feel things are moving in the right direction. Billy Connolly talks about the hidden side of childhood sexual abuse "You know, it feels kinda nice", and although there was none of that going on, it's the same sort of dilemma. I knew I was loved, as when I left home at 17 under a raincloud, I was allowed to move back in after a few months. That takes a huge act of love and courage and faith on my parent's behalf. And of course that same love had also cherished me for years before and afterwards. Maybe it's because I'm trying to resolve the pain of the child who needs things in black and white, needs to know love without fear that this is so difficult?

I just noticed the date

... Baby is due a month from today! How exciting!

ROAR Dharma

I went to see the Lama just before Christmas to catch up and to gain advice for the next few months which will be huge for me. One of my questions was about my continuing inability to get to his teachings - something always seems to come up. For some time I battled it, and all that happened was that my ME symptoms got worse which I was able to deal with. Latterly people and animals around seemed to be getting ill so I felt it appropriate to leave it for a bit. This is not to imply in anyway that the teachings were having an effect on my nearest and dearest, it's just sometimes Dharma seems to have a need to manifest itself particularly clearly! Also the things I'm facing atm are in a very real way for me, much harder than attending teachings, the lessons I'm being offered are getting to my core. I checked this feeling with the Lama and he confirmed it with a kind smile that I'm right in the middle of raw Dharma right not, and it's good to go with the flow. I like the way that raw and roar sound the same, and also the fact that I do feel that Dharma is ROARING at me right now. It always is of course, whether or not it's in Chenrazig's gracious smile or in Manjushri's sword cutting through delusion.

Someone very close to me is having a re-emergence of a long-standing health problem. It's not something that can ever be resolved, and will get worse although it can be helped by pharmaceuticals, so in a way it is to be expected. Pregnancy hormones are not known for making women rational *sigh* and nor does our flawed understanding of the world through attachment to objects. Of course behind and perhaps in front and running right through the situation I can hear the roar of Dharma, calling me back to that place of ... well I don't know really. I'd like to say something wise (well a first time would be nice) about the illusion of shared paths, whilst the reality is that we're all on our way. I think that's it, but the expression is lacking. It feels on the one hand like a very isolated position, but on the other hand of total unity with Buddha nature. Maybe it's like carrying this baby - for 9 months we are sharing almost the same physical space, yet this person is still a stranger to me. As I feel they should be - the Lama said something about a woman's body being a perfect expression of Buddha nature through it's ability to nurture and give birth. Again badly expressed, but the original sentiment was rather better expressed.

The Lama also told me (not literally!) to put my mum in the corner - I think for years I've misunderstood the limits of responsibility and compassion. For me part of the challenge of being a Buddhist is learning to retreat back into me and not divert someone from their path by my mis-guided but well meant love. It's proving hard with mum - she senses change and is resenting it, becoming more clingy and needy in response. So hard to stand in my Buddha nature and just stand. For some time now I've understood that this will do my mum no end of good if she is encouraged to stand on her own 2 feet and not be pitied for living with manic depression, for years the hushed conversations of "isn't she doing so well now!" or the reverse have been my triggers - they are so hard to let go of. Now I'm faced with understanding that I have to make these changes for me, and really for me alone. Like the baby in my womb, me, my close someone, mum is simply another sentient being. Buddhism is beautiful in it's simplicity.

Baby, 21 weeks

This is Baby Cotton at 21 weeks. The observant of you will have noticed this was in fact ten weeks ago. In the top picture the dark space near it's bottom you can see is its bladder, the fact that it is dark shows that it is full and that it's kidneys are working. In the middle picture you can see another dark space in the middle of the chest, and that's it's heart pumping. Words again fail me to express what a blessing this is.

It'sll about ME!

Well actually it isn't :) I'm writing this an an aide memoire - my anxiety has been reaching incredible levels recently. So I've been breathing deeply and resting in in the present moment, to escape the fear and perfectionism. I think it's deeply ironic, or very funny, or just very handy that M.E. in terms of the illness is born (for me) from too much of ME lolol, ie too much fear and perfectionism. I've been having a difficult time with mum, I'm keying into my childhood again, and remembering all that anxiety. So I've been getting very angry as a form of self protection, which is not helping. Maybe that's why mum was so angry when I was young - severe mental illness probably makes you feel very threatened and vulnerable. *Breathe in* *breathe out*

So it's not all about me after all!

Sharing

This is such a lovely picture! It seems a little blurred here, the original is here. Enjoy!

Phone Call

Just spoke to my mum a short while ago. I've started a new regime when I speak to her - I've decided I dont need to make life all ok for her, I can listen, but I dont need to add to it. It's been going well so far - we've been having some nice cheerful conversations, and I've not been feeling drained afterwards, which has been lovely. Tonight, after I'd explained about the risk of miscarriages dropping to 5% after 12 weeks, mum still talked rather a lot about miscarriage. All the phone calls I've had with her since (and including) the one when I told her I was pregnant have included mum worrying about miscarriage. I do have a lot of empathy for her, after all the reason why she is worrying about miscarriage is probably related to the fact that she had 3 miscarriages herself before she had me. I dont really want to speculate about her exact reasoning as I feel that's not really my business, and I dont want to put words in her mouth. I am finding it hard though, I am so in love with my baby already, far more than I've ever loved anything else before, yet I'm also so terrified. Like any expectant mother, I'm full of hormones and awareness of all the ways in which my life is going to change, and I'm finding it really hard going. Poor Ian too, having to live with me. Realistically I know I cant protect my child from everything, but I want to give it the best, and I want to feel the best I can about it. Recently I realised that when I was still working, and I felt tired, I would never stop. Rather than ask myself if I was tired and I needed to stop, I would blame myself for the fatigue and push myself harder. It's the perfectionism and fear I've talked about before. The perfectionism wouldn't allow my tiredness, and my fear would push me on deeper and deeper into it. Talking to mum tonight reminded me of the roots of that - as a child I felt responsible for mum's manic depression which I believed was a result of my birth. Her talk of miscarriage and her clinging to misfortune as being the only possible outcome reminds of why I chose perfectionism spurred on by fear as a way of life. Such a shame for both of us! If only mum could enjoy my life, or even better hers, it would be so, so lovely. The love I feel for my child, awakens great love within me, which my practice hints I should share with the world. So I'm trying to. I dont blame mum for my fear and perfectionism, they were afterall the defences that I chose and clung to. In the light of that love though, I find it heartbreaking that someone chooses to wilfully blind themselves from happiness. It's even worse that it's my mum. I think that's why I've often felt so angry about my relationship with mum, I've felt for years responsible for her happiness. Now I'm stepping away I realise that I'm not, and that to be so is an impossible task. I still need to be there for myself in some way too, and not engage with her fears, so all I can do is offer my love - to all I think. Offerings to all sentient beings.

12 weeks old!

Heart beating, and everything!

Water

On the way home today, I sat near a carriage on the train where the air conditioning had broken. In the south we've been getting temperatures of about 32 degrees, so you can only imagine what the temperature was like on that carriage - a lot hotter I imagine. After a short while I noticed a very hot looking guard giving out water to all the passengers. He offered me some but as I was in a cool bit, with water of my own and about to get ooff, I declined. What a lvoely thing to do though, the passengers looked so hot, and the train staff were doing their best in difficult circumstances. Nice to have that level of concern for other's well being.

Talking of water, I picked up my first biodegradable bottle of water today. It's made from corn and will compost within about 12 weeks. All of the profits from it goes towards projects providing water in India and Africa, or cleaning rivers in the UK. I think they have a variety of projects. Looking at my bottle, I see they are actually Belu.

It's so hot today it's lovely to see companies supporting life and water in such different ways.