Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Limpet Baby

Yup the puking Momo (a traditional Tibetan dumpling and perfect nickname for M who is rather circular) needed his mummy today, and his mummy was happy to oblige. A little shouty when I was feeling overwhelmed by sheer quantity of liquid expelled plus his evident distress, but I managed to calm myself and soothe him by being there as I undressed him. Poor little guy, his t-shirt was see-through it was so wet. Moments of bliss today - Ian took Deborah to her football session (despite feeling grim himself) which left me holed up with the Momo. He fell asleep on my, so I simply edged myself back and also slept for 3/4's of an hour. Bliss! Deborah had such a great time at football though, she is the only girl there and doesn't follow instructions. It's an interesting one as I primed her by advising her to do what the teacher says but oooooo you know it's a tricky one that. Should she be primed to follow the instructions of strange men really? Too tired now, and probably over thinking.

Oh yes, the thing about the women yesterday - if only they had come up and said hello and distracted Deborah and been pleasant instead of just being someone else staring at our screaming child. Shame, missed opportunity there.


Dri9fting off to sleep last night I was thinking about what actions of mine D actively copies. Endless repetitions of "No hittin, MusnIT", endless Michael cuddles, kisses and giggles and demands for mummy cuddles, cooking, yesterday a demand I breast feed her baby doll, and spider drawings. Maybe I'm not such a terrible mother after all.... Temper still needs working on though but useful stuff to realise.

Michael and Ian ill today with upset tunmies, D has already had it and I'm hoping I have too but very mildly. Realised that my sinuses are totally blocked hence recent feelings of doom. Always gets me. So useful to blog more, although a boring read, does help me see whats going on.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Restraining Toddlers

Just how much should you restrain them when you are in a public place, and they are so out of control that they will hurt themselves, and you? Ian carried D mid tantrum today, this ended up meaning she was looped over one arm, as in all other positions she finds ways to head butt and hurt both of them. Didn't stop the gawkers though. Now, if they had been really concerned for D's welfare I would have expected them to actually come up and check us out but to keep on walking whilst turning periodically to turn and stare seemed odd. Especially as it was quite obvious that D was calming down and that, we her parents were already calm, and I don't think that most child abuse happens when one is calm and in a very public place. Although, of course, I could ALWAYS be proven wrong. Actually it has made me much more pro holding and walking not less as it gives us all quiet space for emotional dissipation and less chance for D to cause pain, which is always good.

Deliberately wrote this mornings post when I was feeling pretty grim after waking. There are some recurrent themes for me atm that I would like to do more with, and they come up biggest and most scary when I am feeling vulnerable. Later on I try and hide it, and I need to not do this. So no resolution here, just identification and awareness.

Useful stuff from the LLL this am, including me pretty candid and being assured this was all normal. At the time this didn't seem like much, but now it does. Also, stuff about making lists of triggers and making up solutions when calm, treating energy as anger and walking or reconnecting with nature (second time this has come recently) when it arises, and allowing the children to own their own feelings so that all I have to do is own my response to them. A nice thing on the sleeplessness too - I am making the choice to be there for my children (M needs me at night, D needs me 1st thing in the am, so lie-in's are rare), so don't need to resent the tiredness as it's the result of my own decisions, not something imposed upon me. To be completely honest, this doesn't quite hit the spot, as I know and honour that decision already anyway, but its good to be able to discuss in such a supportive setting.

So lots to work on. Oh yes, more too for myself about my perfectionist nature. If I wasn't so determined for my children to Have The Best Childhood I Can Possibly Give Them it may be easier... Plus, I would be less stressed, so would they and you what? Everyone might jut be that little bit happier :) Who would have thunk it?

Hot bath and bed calls, night night.
Just so tired. Not yet 9 and I'm ready for bed. Hate it, it's so insidious. Having a quieter week so feel lonely but hate that feeling and am rubbish at dealing with it. Already been too shouty and foul with the wee one this am, bleurgh.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Turning and Facing

Sooooo we had mum to visit yesterday and for the first time in ages I was so calm. Then I realised, I was finally turning and facing all my stuff rather than running terrified and lashing out, feeling overwhelmed. Need to carry on with this approach if I can work out how to do it. Suspect letting go may play a part in it somewhere.

Also, D is much calmer herself. We took her to get her shoes measured, and her feet have gone up 2 sizes in the past month. She has been on a massive growth spurt! Part of it has been mental too, hence her need to climb and run and kick balls and all sorts of other stuff. Am hoping her newly developed habit of screaming for entire car journeys is related to this need and will go when it has been expressed. Well, you win some, you lose some.

M is huge and getting huger. Teeth popping out all over the place - ok all in the mouth, and he only has 4, but it seems like a lot more. Today we finished his room (laughs - D's was finished months before she was born, how different it all is with 2 :) and he is in it as I write. Not sure hwo long he will stay in it tonight though. So much nicer to sleep cuddling my baby, and better quality sleep for both of us two.

Am reading the "Fussy Baby" book by the venerable Sears' atm., They advise burnt out mums to keep a daily journal so watch out for more of my drivel. Reading it makes my feel much less burnt out and much more grateful for my two who are both a little high need atm. But that's all good and it is an honour to have those needs to meet. Stroking Deborah tonight as she lay in bed waiting for sleep I remembered the profound sense of awe I felt when she was born, welcoming this incredibly old yet completely new being into my life and it crept over me again.