Friday, March 31, 2006

Guinea pig swimming in a water butt

Not that I would of course! Our next door neighbour is a great gardner, and he's going to fixing our guttering for us - he's recently done a wonderful job on repointing our patio, and trimming hedges etc. When he does fix the guttering, our water butt will naturally fill, and I was laughing to Ian pretending to be a g pig haveing swimming lessons in a water butt. Very interesting that, today I feel absolutely shot, and with a significantly reduced grip on sanity. Ian and myself have both got bugs, last night we slept in seperate beds which was good as it meant Ian got a good night's sleep. I on the other hand made real aquaintances with the tigers of the night - we'd watched a really fabulously useful programme on how to have a good death, and as I was waking every 20 mins with my sore throat, I was kind of drifting in and out of the emotions the programme had awakened in me, the memories of the 3 people and 4 guinea pigs who have died who were close to me in the last 6 years, just weirdness that a slight temperature can do for you etc.

I've kind of stayed with all of that today, which has been quite an eye opener. Its quite interesting, how that despite knowing that my real nature just is, these other things seem so heavy and so determined to stay - and then in the middle of all of that, I'm laughing at the thought of being a guinea pig having swimming lessons. Sometimes its jolly good to embrace the fickleness of human nature! BTW, swimming lessons are supposed to be helpful to some wuinea pigs as you may find here

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Been a long time...

Hmmm well, I found that truism to be right, you can't stop a being in perpetual motion, or something like that. When my essay was out of the way (in the days after the yoga retreat) I then realised with heart sink that I had all the other stuff to do, like sort out my father's will, deal with mum, arrange fun trips over the uk, etc etc. Not suprisingly I got a bug which was incredibly useful as I had to stop, and had to be. I actually quite enjoyed the rest, which is a decidedly odd thing to say. Not becuase I dont think the rest was good for me, just that I'm setting myself up again and again. It's an interesting dichotomy. These are really quite awkward times for me atm, and I know somewhere deep down that I do have enough energy to do the things that are coming up as necessary, and also the things that are coming up as unecessary, but fun... There's still so much tension, which I think comes in part from the fact that I am dealing with a lot of quite stressful things, partly from my desire to do everything and be perfect, and I think partly from a sense of resentment in having to do any of it. I guess that's the anger manifesting at my father's death - how could someone so good with money die intestate and leave it all up to me and mum?

Yep, that's really it, I figured I'd avoided the anger but it was there lurking away.....

I've made some progress today with that lot, I've got the proposed deed of variation checked out by my solicitor friend, who thinks it all looks great and as if our solicitor knows what she's doing, I've sent an email off to our solicitor asking why is she sending me all the information she'd previously agreed too, and I've asked my mum why she keeps on repeating the same things every time we talk. Without meaning too, I think I've fallen into mum world again.... Mum world is a common place for me to fall into, I guess it's like that with mothers and daughters. Mum is very good at going over and over the same arguement, and although I'm trying to be calm and clear headed, at the moment I'm falling into the argument trap again and again. Part of it is our relationship, part of it our shared grief, part of it my confusion at not knowing what mum is talking about as I dont have the details from the solicitors and the main part is me not really sitting tight within myself. Still I'm learning...

So far a combination of anger, grief and not sitting tight enough.

I'm so glad compassion is part of Buddhism, becuase to realise that's me right now, is actually rather sad. It would be easy to be judgemental, and say to myself, well you should be nicer to your mum, calmer with the solicitor etc, but although there's some truth in both of those statements, how would I really help me if I went solely down that path. It feels alien from a personal point of view to be kind to myself, so again, homage to all the Buddha's Dharma and Sangha for allowing me some compassion.

Ian writes very beautifully about Clovers death. I miss her so much, she needed daily syringe feeding, which was very much part of my day, although sometimes it was awkward to fit it all in. I appreciate the gift of extra time from Clover now very much. She was a very gentle pig, she a real soul feeling about her. I cant really describe it any better than that. When I first had to feed her, and give her intensive care (over a year ago now), I was terrified. She seemed so ill, so pathetic, and I guess I just felt so responsible. But she did things her way, and reminded me often I am not the omipresent power I try so hard to be. She died just as I was getting better. Unexpectedly, I did not feel guilty about her dieing, just a profound sense of repsect to her for doing things her way - as do all of us ultimately. The night before she died, I prayed to Green Tara to look after her, and the morning after as I looked at a beautiful poster image I have of Green Tara, I noticed a ginger, guinea pig shaped fold in one of her clothes.

I dont think I'm going to return to being a daily poster, this will be a bit more as and when. I need to honour all the things that I do have going on in my life, and not jump into perceived space with more, more, more! Some quiet time, some space between notes would be good. I think I need to find that for myself.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Got a bug

Such brilliant thing. It's great having a bug, as I'm so foggy headed I can only do very very basic things. Whittering brain is turned off! Need to learn how to retain that when I return to full health/whitter mode.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Off on a yoga meet

Going to be doing yoga all weekend, well yoga for people with ME, so thats 1 session in the morning, and then the rest of the day to recover lol. Yesterday, in our favourite Indian place the owner spoke to Ian about yoga exercises for diabetes, from a sadhu based on Sky. Ian's willing to try them, although I suspect he felt as dubious as I did, about the claim that he may have to reduce his medication. Still who knows? LOL it would be a great idea for me to listen to that yoga mesage of being still, and gentle actiivity....

See you all Monday!

Wednesday, March 01, 2006


Having an at home with my essay day today, for which I am very grateful. I'm on yet another cold which is alerting me to the fact that one can only cope with so much, and then something will start shouting. Because I have so many control issues, it's usually my body first, so I'm trying to listen. I'm finding it very hard, I'm still feeling innundated by the outside world. Like many people, the path of recovery for me, involves saying no, but I'm really only starting to learn what that means. it's not, as I thought lol, abut saying no, and then expecting the world to ignore you, but it's actually about being no lololol. I have to laugh, as to me it sounds quite funny. Amidst the laughter there is a lot of truth there, after all if I dont focus on my essay and make it my number one top priority atm, who will? Typing this I remember talking to the Lama, and he said how focus does not need to be rigid, but one needs to allow your focus to be diverted, but also allow it to come back. I think that's where I'm going wrong. I have the focus, but I dont have the gently coming back bit lol, which is more the point of practice. I think this is part of this deeper thing for me atm, of what am I really doing, ie practice, practice practice! The one thing I've done since I've been sick, is to meditate every day. So in some very real way I did really need this lol! Choosing to re-engage with the world after a long illness is always going to be challanging, and, I guess, my lack of gentleness is causing drama wich makes me flare physically. Hmnmmm. Ian just reminded my of a lovely image of Alokiteswara where he/she is surrounded by clouds, but calmly pours water (you find that image here, look to the left of the page. This is Ian's order). Ian said, one just needs to be like that regardless sometimes. I of course reacted saying well I'm not calm, Ian said how do you know that? I said that, that's what everyone says, and again Ian reminded me that not everyone does, which is actually very true. So again, my clinging, and over rigid focus is misleading me. Obviously by continuing to disbelieve in that part of me which is calm I'm really not helping myself lolol. Back to practice!

Deep bows to all of you who I encounter along this path.