Wednesday, March 01, 2006


Having an at home with my essay day today, for which I am very grateful. I'm on yet another cold which is alerting me to the fact that one can only cope with so much, and then something will start shouting. Because I have so many control issues, it's usually my body first, so I'm trying to listen. I'm finding it very hard, I'm still feeling innundated by the outside world. Like many people, the path of recovery for me, involves saying no, but I'm really only starting to learn what that means. it's not, as I thought lol, abut saying no, and then expecting the world to ignore you, but it's actually about being no lololol. I have to laugh, as to me it sounds quite funny. Amidst the laughter there is a lot of truth there, after all if I dont focus on my essay and make it my number one top priority atm, who will? Typing this I remember talking to the Lama, and he said how focus does not need to be rigid, but one needs to allow your focus to be diverted, but also allow it to come back. I think that's where I'm going wrong. I have the focus, but I dont have the gently coming back bit lol, which is more the point of practice. I think this is part of this deeper thing for me atm, of what am I really doing, ie practice, practice practice! The one thing I've done since I've been sick, is to meditate every day. So in some very real way I did really need this lol! Choosing to re-engage with the world after a long illness is always going to be challanging, and, I guess, my lack of gentleness is causing drama wich makes me flare physically. Hmnmmm. Ian just reminded my of a lovely image of Alokiteswara where he/she is surrounded by clouds, but calmly pours water (you find that image here, look to the left of the page. This is Ian's order). Ian said, one just needs to be like that regardless sometimes. I of course reacted saying well I'm not calm, Ian said how do you know that? I said that, that's what everyone says, and again Ian reminded me that not everyone does, which is actually very true. So again, my clinging, and over rigid focus is misleading me. Obviously by continuing to disbelieve in that part of me which is calm I'm really not helping myself lolol. Back to practice!

Deep bows to all of you who I encounter along this path.

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