Saturday, September 27, 2014

How a meltdown feels


Caught in an explosion of feeling I lose my name.
I see snatches of peace, parts of initials, someone is speaking making the air tremble.
Straining my ears against the glare of the world, the cacophony of bird song, tapping of shoes, keyboards, phones, noises, I hear my feelings roaring.
I identify the maelstrom through which I am working is the thunderclap of misunderstood emotion.
An explosion of feeling that erodes my soul.
When it's beautiful I am one with world, to bring me back from the skies and singing too quickly by beeping a horn is brutal and cuts like a knife.
When it's ugly when my child is crying or hurt, I cower underneath black clouds and can see no way out, panicking and churning the swirls of air to find my way out.

Yesterday my child was in danger, today my whole body has erupted in the joy she is safe, and the fear of the maybe's., the what if's and the what will be's?

Who knew that feelings were body wide, soul wide, did not merely make one feel, but made one be. Simply be one solitary thing, but then another comes colliding with the first, a sound is heard,a smell glimpsed, associations are made, randomly, sensibly, the eyes are full and stretched to brimming with the everything of it all.

Call me back, help me label it.
Set it free, set me free.