Friday, July 19, 2013

Sky dancing

Hot stones burn my feet,
The sun kisses my skin with ferocity.

My daughter screams
Her skin is marked red where her fingernails scratch long grooves of hating the heat
Her hair is a fuss of hating the heat
Everything disordered by the kiss of the sun.

My daughter she dances
Through the air thickened with summer
But her dance is violence and anger
She dances

Her music is her voice
She screams her discomfort
Her terrible dance
to subjugate the world.

But the world does not listen
It simply carries on
So my daughter, dances.

Sky dancer is another name for Dakini.  Dakini's are powerful beings in Tibetan belief, fierce and powerful they are often shown dancing on the dead to remind us of the importance of non attachment to the self.  This is much harder for a child, when the self, the emotions, the reactions are just all wrong.  Holding my daughter this morning, before she'd had a chance to wake up properly and be affected by the current heatwave, I realised how desperately she is trying to communicate, and how constant and consistent she is.  Sadly for us, her communication is challenging, based largely on screaming and pinching.  The Dakini dance in the sky to remind us that whilst appearance can be unpleasant, the reality of acceptance and letting go is love.  From my daughter I must learn to love.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Beyond Aspergers...

Almost completely blocked.  Wanting to have an essay finished by next Tuesday, my brain is so scattered. Just cross that I can't focus, cross with the heat and all the screaming, and the mute, cross, cross.  Cross it's going to the 6 week holiday soon, 6 weeks of negotiating between the kids, each year this gets harder and harder as the gap between my two children get more increased.  Cross I don't know the full extent of my child's difficulties and no one can tell me, cross because this is legitimate, cross because I'm PMS (very cross).  Just bloody cross ok?

Cross because I don't know how to fully help my other child, cross because my reaction to other's emotions is take them personally, feel destroyed by them, and then work out how to fix them, by myself.  Really CROSS about this one.  Not half as cross as I am about being PMS though.  I really, really AM CROSS about that.

Cross with the fact my body is getting fat again, bloated and painful.  Cross because for me I can only really entertain one project outside of the children's needs - so this is either health OR my essay.  Cross because I'm ASD and yet I lack the focus to follow my special interest.  Cross because I shouldn't be so cross. CROSS.  Bloody cross, I wish it would fuck off.