Been a long time...

Hmmm well, I found that truism to be right, you can't stop a being in perpetual motion, or something like that. When my essay was out of the way (in the days after the yoga retreat) I then realised with heart sink that I had all the other stuff to do, like sort out my father's will, deal with mum, arrange fun trips over the uk, etc etc. Not suprisingly I got a bug which was incredibly useful as I had to stop, and had to be. I actually quite enjoyed the rest, which is a decidedly odd thing to say. Not becuase I dont think the rest was good for me, just that I'm setting myself up again and again. It's an interesting dichotomy. These are really quite awkward times for me atm, and I know somewhere deep down that I do have enough energy to do the things that are coming up as necessary, and also the things that are coming up as unecessary, but fun... There's still so much tension, which I think comes in part from the fact that I am dealing with a lot of quite stressful things, partly from my desire to do everything and be perfect, and I think partly from a sense of resentment in having to do any of it. I guess that's the anger manifesting at my father's death - how could someone so good with money die intestate and leave it all up to me and mum?

Yep, that's really it, I figured I'd avoided the anger but it was there lurking away.....

I've made some progress today with that lot, I've got the proposed deed of variation checked out by my solicitor friend, who thinks it all looks great and as if our solicitor knows what she's doing, I've sent an email off to our solicitor asking why is she sending me all the information she'd previously agreed too, and I've asked my mum why she keeps on repeating the same things every time we talk. Without meaning too, I think I've fallen into mum world again.... Mum world is a common place for me to fall into, I guess it's like that with mothers and daughters. Mum is very good at going over and over the same arguement, and although I'm trying to be calm and clear headed, at the moment I'm falling into the argument trap again and again. Part of it is our relationship, part of it our shared grief, part of it my confusion at not knowing what mum is talking about as I dont have the details from the solicitors and the main part is me not really sitting tight within myself. Still I'm learning...

So far a combination of anger, grief and not sitting tight enough.

I'm so glad compassion is part of Buddhism, becuase to realise that's me right now, is actually rather sad. It would be easy to be judgemental, and say to myself, well you should be nicer to your mum, calmer with the solicitor etc, but although there's some truth in both of those statements, how would I really help me if I went solely down that path. It feels alien from a personal point of view to be kind to myself, so again, homage to all the Buddha's Dharma and Sangha for allowing me some compassion.

Ian writes very beautifully about Clovers death. I miss her so much, she needed daily syringe feeding, which was very much part of my day, although sometimes it was awkward to fit it all in. I appreciate the gift of extra time from Clover now very much. She was a very gentle pig, she a real soul feeling about her. I cant really describe it any better than that. When I first had to feed her, and give her intensive care (over a year ago now), I was terrified. She seemed so ill, so pathetic, and I guess I just felt so responsible. But she did things her way, and reminded me often I am not the omipresent power I try so hard to be. She died just as I was getting better. Unexpectedly, I did not feel guilty about her dieing, just a profound sense of repsect to her for doing things her way - as do all of us ultimately. The night before she died, I prayed to Green Tara to look after her, and the morning after as I looked at a beautiful poster image I have of Green Tara, I noticed a ginger, guinea pig shaped fold in one of her clothes.

I dont think I'm going to return to being a daily poster, this will be a bit more as and when. I need to honour all the things that I do have going on in my life, and not jump into perceived space with more, more, more! Some quiet time, some space between notes would be good. I think I need to find that for myself.