Just how much should you restrain them when you are in a public place, and they are so out of control that they will hurt themselves, and you? Ian carried D mid tantrum today, this ended up meaning she was looped over one arm, as in all other positions she finds ways to head butt and hurt both of them. Didn't stop the gawkers though. Now, if they had been really concerned for D's welfare I would have expected them to actually come up and check us out but to keep on walking whilst turning periodically to turn and stare seemed odd. Especially as it was quite obvious that D was calming down and that, we her parents were already calm, and I don't think that most child abuse happens when one is calm and in a very public place. Although, of course, I could ALWAYS be proven wrong. Actually it has made me much more pro holding and walking not less as it gives us all quiet space for emotional dissipation and less chance for D to cause pain, which is always good.
Deliberately wrote this mornings post when I was feeling pretty grim after waking. There are some recurrent themes for me atm that I would like to do more with, and they come up biggest and most scary when I am feeling vulnerable. Later on I try and hide it, and I need to not do this. So no resolution here, just identification and awareness.
Useful stuff from the LLL this am, including me pretty candid and being assured this was all normal. At the time this didn't seem like much, but now it does. Also, stuff about making lists of triggers and making up solutions when calm, treating energy as anger and walking or reconnecting with nature (second time this has come recently) when it arises, and allowing the children to own their own feelings so that all I have to do is own my response to them. A nice thing on the sleeplessness too - I am making the choice to be there for my children (M needs me at night, D needs me 1st thing in the am, so lie-in's are rare), so don't need to resent the tiredness as it's the result of my own decisions, not something imposed upon me. To be completely honest, this doesn't quite hit the spot, as I know and honour that decision already anyway, but its good to be able to discuss in such a supportive setting.
So lots to work on. Oh yes, more too for myself about my perfectionist nature. If I wasn't so determined for my children to Have The Best Childhood I Can Possibly Give Them it may be easier... Plus, I would be less stressed, so would they and you what? Everyone might jut be that little bit happier :) Who would have thunk it?
Hot bath and bed calls, night night.