Had my ante-natal visit from the health visitor today which I knew was going to include screening for the likelihood of post-natal depression. So I got in first and discussed the condensed version of the past few weeks... Happily I score low risk for it - she asked me what did I think was it about me that meant I was able to overcome the abuse. I said determination, and I wish I'd also said practice, but the two are related. Without the Lama it would be much higher.
Thanks are also due to Rev Olwen, we talked yesterday about drawing boundaries for my mum. Apparently Eckhart Tolle talks about the existence of a pain body - this feeds on pain in order to survive, and is why we crave pain, and cause it. Mum needs a lot of pain to feed her pain body, and on reflection as I was dropping off to sleep last night, so do I!. I see so many relationships I have soured to cause pain, it really is a comfort zone. Even in my thoughts about child -rearing I sometimes catch glimpses of a darker side that is pleased to have been abused, as it will be a get-out clause for any failures I make with my child. I haven't read "The Power of Now" yet, so I don't know what Tolle recommends one does with one's pain body, but I shall certainly start to honour it's presence.
Mum is getting to quite a handful again, according to Rev Olwen it is her child desperate for attention. I agree, Mum's pain body is also addicted to drama (as is mine) so she realistically only has a few weeks to get in there before my real baby is born. I'm going to write to Mum asking her not to mention her dead babies or expect me to solve her problems. If she feels like she needs support for that, then please seek it elsewhere - if she does persist, then I shall lovingly, but firmly refuse to speak to her. That way, the ball is in her court, she know's what the problem is, and also, she is empowered to do something about it. I think one of the problems of the long-term mentally ill, is that people around you are great at saying, "Oooooo aren't you doing well now...", which realistically can only be helpful for a bit. After a while I feel there must be the recognition that doing well is actually a long-term project, and the longer I make it ok for mum not to do well, the less viable that long-term project will seem to her.
My belly is growing every day, I now have beautiful stretch marks which means baby is growing ever bigger, and becoming more of a presence. As we are approaching the end of one phase, plus the beginning of the next, I feel the need to both honour and enjoy it.