We went to the midwife yesterday and she was able to confirm that baby is now 3/5's engaged. This is a measure of how far into my pelvis it's head is. The prospect of labour is exciting and daunting, but more exciting. We did parentcraft classes and the lovely midwife who took them, explained that during labour the cervix and vagina are stretched to become one gate through which the baby comes. I found this really resonated with Dharma but not in a way I can define. Something about that the moment of birth is the moment of passing through this gate and how momentous yet commonplace and non-eventful this is.
I was writing to a very dear friend of mine last night, and was talking about Christmas. I'm being a bit like a dog with a bone - it feels useful and productive now, but I'm aware of the need to drop it in the future. Anyway I said to my friend, " Thinking about it last night I remembered one incident from my teens where she[mum] really put herself out for me, and then took me back under her roof when I'd made a real hash of things, so I'm allowing the memory of that love to sit side by side with the abusive memories." So I feel things are moving in the right direction. Billy Connolly talks about the hidden side of childhood sexual abuse "You know, it feels kinda nice", and although there was none of that going on, it's the same sort of dilemma. I knew I was loved, as when I left home at 17 under a raincloud, I was allowed to move back in after a few months. That takes a huge act of love and courage and faith on my parent's behalf. And of course that same love had also cherished me for years before and afterwards. Maybe it's because I'm trying to resolve the pain of the child who needs things in black and white, needs to know love without fear that this is so difficult?