Running in ever decreasing circles of self hatred and fear recently - how to be a better, less shouty, more compassionate mum? Grasping at half thought-out ideals - I should remember deep compassion, I should remember how I felt as a child, how I feel after I have shouted, how much I love Deborah and Michael, their almost impossible preciousness to me, I should remember about innocence and dependency as a child, vulnerability and heart ache, low self esteem from conflicted parenting, I should take more responsibility - you can probably guess where this is going, needless to say the list goes on...
Today I tried to simply relax into a really good moment, just to be. The be-ing is sustaining and just is, and you never know, it may help with the grotty bits. I love my kids!
In the meantime, it's really difficult to do anything reasonable like string two words together, remember words, names, faces blah di blah on the sef pitying trip when I'm getting so little sleep. If I didn't try so hard, it would be a lot easier.
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