Can't stop thinking about death right now. Having children really puts one right into the whole stream of it all - being childless meant although I was terrified of death I was somehow more apart from it, but now I AM part of the whole maiden mother crone trilogy. Their youth marks my becoming older. Really dont know what to do with this one, having the screaming heebie jeebies is my common reaction but not useful. Walking to the toilet block with Deborah holding my hand, seeing all the caravans coming and going, I couldn't stop just feeling the impermanence of it all. One time I left her behind as I was going for a shower and as she watched me go I was so so aware that soon it will be me watching and waiting. Michael has teeth and stands and rolls and eats (so far only sand but you get the picture) and it's all so darn quick! And I love them so so so much and know I will not always be there for them. They will also face the speed of time, and I can't protect them from that or their own mortality and stupidly I feel guilty.
So melodramatic I apologise. Buddhists are supposed to be able to deal with this stuff, at the very least it's the heart of our practice. I must contct the Lama somehow. Probably not a visit as even though the fact of my own physical impernance and insignificance in the face of the universe terrifies me, sadly not more than navigating a trip to the big smoke with two small children.
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