I was going to write this to say thank you to Rev Mugo's comment, but then thought is felt more like a blog entry - but it's still a thank you! It's good to know other's howl as well - and I've had an email from a very dear friend whose father also died last year too. So I feel I've got good company for this bit, and thats just one of the best feelings ever.
Actually the howling on Saturday was precipitated more by the fact that my brain just wouldn't work for my essay. The reason why it wouldn't work was of course Dad, the fact that Daisy died at the beginning of the year, and the fact that we have another guinea pig who is dieing of kidney failure atm. Correction, I think I cry because I can't change any of those things, and I want to, very very much. More sobbing yesterday, this time mainly when I meditated, and also lots of talking with Ian about Molly. So hard! We both know she is dieing, she is getting very thin, and our vet who is the bees knees in guinea pig care has run out of options, but it's making that final descision to let go. So hard! She's still eating, and I have been syringe feeding her. Actually, this is a euphamism for force feeding, as sometimes she really doesn't like it. Neither of us want to add to the suffering of Molly's last few days, it's a good challenge in respecting what's going on for the Snout. Thing is, I dont want to respect it, I just want her to get better! But, as we dont have kidney transplants for guinea pigs, then I have to learn. The force feeeding seems to be out, but I will try and keep her as comfortable as I can with water and pain killers. It does make me buckle at the knees to make these descisions for another being, I guess that's why it is so important to try and connect with that something. I can understand more why people put their animals to sleep, it's awful watching this drama unfold. But, I feel quite strongly that there is a rhyme and reason to it, which seems bigger than me, and I'm trying very hard to defer to that.
Last night I reminded myself to observe a little more, so I can try and be somethingy. Not to reject the grief feelings, but to honour them more I think. I had a nice dream last night that my Lama had started up some learner basics classes for Buddhism, and I'd gone along to them and found them really helpful as they were less esoteric than usual lol. Not that the Lama's teachings are particularly esoteric, which was my first reaction on waking. I figured it was a nice dream to have though, it felt quite encouraging. Dreams/inner voices etc etc, I have them an awful lot, and you know, it's really embarrassing how wrong they've been sometimes. I must have such a goofy old head inside me :) Still sometimes also they can be very very right, and I'm not going to take last nights dream as gospel (can Buddhists talk about gospel?!) but I'm going to appreciate the encouragement.
Just as a fun thing, so I'm not always weeping and wailing - yesterday we went to an organic food fair, and tried dried raspberries and strawberries! So lovely! We got great deals off a lady selling olives and stuffed vine leaves, and also on boxes of Tulsi tea. This tea is supposed to have great properties, I guess we'll see...
Btw, if you want to read Rev Mugo's blog, you may find it here. It's great, it's kind of like thought for the day, but always tuned into a Buddhist channel. Rev Mugo's posts have a great measured quality to them, there is a "calming and kind quality of the posts " to quote a quote on yesterdays post. Oh and there's been some great pictures of penguins, guinea pigs and a certain Norfolk terrier called Trog who is a favourite amongst Ian's sangha. So we begin we end today it seems!