Last night as I meditated, I felt such waves of gratefulness to my Lama and his wife. I'm from the Dechen community btw. They wre both incredibly kind whilest my father was dying and offered excellent advice and support. In the Lama, as well as having found someone who is wise, calm and an exellent Buddhist scholar, I have also found an excellent mirror. The penny finally dropped, after hmmmmm 6 years? that all those issues that flare up when I see the Lama or receive a teaching, and that I often do experience as illness, are actually the reason for my illness. I'd keyed into that bit before, but last night I realised that it was those same issues which I'm making statements about (ok two) for the reverse therapy.
So here goes....
I'm frightened of judgement,
I'm frightened of violence,
I'm frightened of happiness,
I'm frightened of wisdom and of ignorance,
I'm frightened of acheiving and not acheiving,
I tend to create drama as a way of avoiding the issues I'm frightened of,
I've become addicted to the drama, as I've mistakenly construed it as the way out of the horrible situations,
The addiction means I have to create bigger and bigger drama's (hence more interesting illnesses).
When I went on my first major retreat I was already ill with the flu, but it had cleared up to such an extent that I felt able to go. I then got a really nasty lung infection as I think I was finally starting to listen to what was going on. A lot of my spiritual path feels very contradictory, I think this is because there is an awful lot of drama built into it, to keep it all in perpatual motion. Without the drama, the fear would just arise and fall, but the drama is there to keep it all in place. Just after the reatreat was when I met the Lama for the first time, and if you suddenly really take a good look at yourself, well if you're a dramatic person, I reckon things are going to happen. And they did!