Sunday, February 19, 2006

New Links!

If you look to the right, (underneath the fetching picture of me in a dressing gown, blowing bubbles in the middle of Snowdonia) you will see links to tapir stroking, wedding pictures etc. I'm especially fond of the two tapir stroke, pure tapir inspired bliss.

The great news of today, is that my death essay is finished. It's been quite a week, with propping up one of the guineas whose kidneys are failing, Dad's inquest, a little bit of modding on a website I'm a member of and trying to write my essay. It all felt like the right thing to do, even though a lot of it feels pretty horrible. It's hard to understand how it's the right thing to do, but there's a definite sense that it is. I guess we're back on love again. I was pretty volatile yesterday, Ian was out and I was howling. I'd been advised to simply let go of my grief, and express it when it comes up, so even though yesterday felt absolutely dreadful, there was a deeper sense of something else. It's very odd to be so caught up in the howling, but to have that very clear sense of something. After the major howling, I received a lovely message from Rev Mugo, thank you! and I realised again that sense of deeper rightness and somethingness is trustworthy, and even when one is despairing, there might just be another aspect of ones self that's quietly ticking on, being just so.

Like the love thing I was talking about yesterday, I was actually, and this is not bigheaded, very inspired by my love for Dad. I'm not going to go into the specifics of the relationship, but it was very very tricky sometimes, and yet we both really loved each other. What I particularly like, is that the bit of us that interacted as people was often really quite crotchety and a bit revolting, but there was still this incredible force, which seems almost tangible. I think it's that something, that same thing that does decent blog entries and moves people with saying just the right thing. I'm impressed by that, and I dont think its me, or you, but I also know it is, but not in a way that we (or more specifically me lol) need to get pig headed and perfectionist about.

I witnessed another minor miracle yesterday - sobbing on Ian's chest when he came back in, he reminded me of the need to be gentle with myself. I'm very good at ignoring all the marvellous something I've just talked about, and try and forge on regardless. Thank you Ian!

Thank you to everyone who I emailed this link too, I really appreciated your responses. Now I'm essay free for a small while (I have one in on March 10) I will try and get round to responding. Please feel free to respond here too, I think it's easy, but I tihnk you may need to be signed in to avoid spam. I will check this out and report back later!


Mugo said...

You know, it's well past midnight and I thought I'd hike over to your place before turning in. Glad I did.

Lot's to say but mostly how glad I am that you and Ian found each other. Well I guess you know how I feel about that already, right?

After my father died I was in circumstances where I could let rip with the sobbing. My! I didn't know such sounds could come out of a human being! There would be periods in the day of 'normality' and then _wham_, out came the grief again. No ladies flimsy pink tissues for me!

Hang in there.

villafan said...

in time it will get easier i promise you that

i am so glad you and ian hav each other you truely are a special couple to know (((gingerpig)))))

i am sorry to read of your sick guineapig >:-(