Friday, April 07, 2006

Sea's of change

This has been my pretty constant companion these last few days - namely that I feel like I'm a sort of a spot within a great ocean of stuff. Waves and waves of it keep crashing down, and in my fear I grip harder and harder to what I imagine is my place. I get all grumpy faced, and the tension makes my sinuses squirt (probably the salt water), and then I feel icky, so I cling even tighter. Recently i've been trying to let go, and you know that's also impossible. In a way I am the sea as well, so I dont really go anywhere - but I have a better time when I can sit back and enjoy the show, as oppposed to clinging on to my spot. I figure this is Dharma in action in big red letters, so I'm trying to take notice. It helped last night, I was in a meeting for a local animal trust and we had a disagreement about guinea pig care, with me predictably on one side, and other people on the other side. I guess that's what makes a disagreement after all. When I sat this am, I started to admire the passion and great big good hearts of my colleagues, really admire that compassion in action, arising quite forcefully to answer the challenge. Now I dont take it so seriously, and I can see my own stains of comprehension floating away on the ocean. Something like that anyhow.

This is-ness that I can sometimes feel around the edge of my happiness, I feel it must be everywhere, I tihnk that's what Dharma talks about. I think it's easier when we're happier, as we're probably clinging less, but it's been an interesting one to trace that is-ness wherever I am. It's helping when I'm dealing with all the grief and and anger about all the deaths in the last 5 months or so. Without being melodramatic, it has been tough! Using the is-ness I can recognise that I'm actually ok to just feel the feelings. That it's actually quite ok to just be , and if I find in that being a load of anger, grief, well so be it. I''ve been putting so much into resisting them, so much clinging, so much saltwater. Deep bows to Rev Mugo and Rev Olwen who have both pointed out to me that these things do just need to arise and fall.

No comments: