Thursday, April 13, 2006

Comfort Blanket

This is going to be an interesting post to write.... First of all let me start off by sharing with you, that I feel all scrunched inside. Totally scrunched and it's through a really paralysing fear of trying to get it rightness. As you may well know this is a pretty constant companion of mine, so why am I drawing my attention to it, yet again. The answer, dear reader, is that my constant companion seems to be attacking the pies, and is getting well, rather considerably bigger.

It's been a nice feature of having had ME that my companion could only pop up now and again. Normally when I went to a teaching or similar, I would do something not quite right, my companion would pop up, I would spend a couple of weeks agonising over and simultaneaously sitting with my companion. Unexpectedly he didn't become much bigger after I started my studies recently - until I come up against my essay deadlines. Then my companions asserts a frozen glow, and I find it impossible to write, becoming more and more afraid as the deadline looms.

Now, with my latest activities as trustee of a local animal charity, my companion is getting very greedy. After last weeks meeting when 99.9% went really well, my signage proposals were applauded, but the guinea pig controversy gave my companion something really good to feed on. He lapped it up. I think he eats to form spaces so that he then needs to eat more to try and fill those spaces, but all that happens is those spaces become bigger and bigger. The space is a little cold clammy feeling round my solar plexus, kind of tight and disagreeable. I tihnk I would be, if I had to feast on worry, tedious diatribes about ones inadequacies etc.

We went out last night with 2 frinds from the animal charity, and ooooooo my companion grew.... The guinea pigs were not really mentioned so I decided there was An Ulterior Motive, and my compaion duely came to table.

What I'm interested in is that I feel I needed to be ill to take refuge in myself from my companions rapacious hunger. I think I used to feel him gnawing away all the time when I was at work before, and I wonder if he ate my energy from the inside? I wonder what would happen if I could ever learn to feed him with love, would he then need to eat less, would we then be able to experience the stillness and is-ness together?

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