And then...

.... she puked all weekend!  Poor sausage!  So there was jolly good reason to be behaving so dreadfully.  Oh well.  All that, pus an intellectual growth spurt meaning many more sentences, able to go up and down stairs straight backed with no support and climbing in and out the camper on our inaugral trip last weekend.  He on the other hand has sprouted the corner of an incisor.  At 4 months!  I blame the father (Ian "grew" his at 3 months).  Today feeling awed and grateful for them.  Children are constant miracles.  

Please, please, please let this be a phase.

So much screaming today.... At least less headbanging but soooooo much screaming.  D is going through a real mummy mummy MUMMY phase, and now has the cold I just did. As well as getting over the one she just had. Soooooooo in about a month, goodness how many colds and schniffles between us, me with mastits, M with a growth spurt, and D just screeeeeaaaaaaming.  I managed to only shout once today, which for me was a huge achievement.  Not at all hard to see where she gets it from.  I so neeeeeed to model better behaviour. 

You know...

it wasn't just me who lost it, D wasn't so good either.  But after a while I felt kind of refreshed - I think I'd let go of my part in it, and seeing that all I could do at that time was feed Michael, well thats all I did.  Horrible for D, and tricky to be learning about sharing when you are in such a necessary egocentric phase, but well, that's just the way it was.  Somewhere along the line I learnt something useful about my stuff being my stuff, and D's being her's. Of course I am her mother, but sometimes I just can't make the good stuff happen.  Then it's important for me to learn new skills in supporting and deaing with stress.  Not justifying, just learning, travelling along with my beautifu little girl.

Felt for her this week though, the head banging came back, but then she has just had a bug so possible sinus infection, and had a poorly mummy who was glued to the sofa whincing with a big fat baby permanently attached. Going to get her checked  out at the gp to double make sure all is well, following an at home day today, with lots of mummy time she seems calmer.

As an aside, we al went to the Annual Nestle Demo on Saturday.  Mike Brady had to shout very loudly at one point over the loud cries of "wwwwwhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeee".  D was very happy to find someone to run round with, it was a little bizarre when the child with her picked up the small cardboard coffin and ran round with it as a hat, and of course D joined them underneath it. Thankfully the small black baby doll that D had managed to remove a leg from meaning it lost its pants had been reinstated by this point....

Later on

it turned into an exciting game involving guinea pig bedding and the rest of her tea set, which then involved mummy, hoover and washed tea set and replacement of bedding with dried beans to satisfy that pouring need.  Just as I was doing well at pretending to be a good parent, Michael really got into his stride with his growth spurt, Deborah started to feel really tired, left out and jealous, and I, dear reader, lost it.  Thankully Ian was here to become the calm parent and he held Deborah until she fell asleep.  I spent the rest of the day feeding Michael.  Wanted to bog to remind myself how it can all turn and turn back again on the eye of a needle.  There's something in there for me to remember...

My WONDERFUL Daughter

(reposted from FB because it deserves to be, you'll see)

"D has a habit of crumbling biscuits on the floor, she seems to really enjoy the sensation. Needless to say we don't enjoy the after effects... Had just done some vague hoovering in the living room as a friend is coming round, and D crumbled her oatcake. As I was rushing to the loo I asked if she could put the crumbs on her plate. I came downstairs to find an extremely industrious daughter picking the crumbs up, putting them in a plastic casserole dish, running into the kitchen, lifting the lid of the bin up and throwing the crumbs inside. Fine she was doing one crumb at a time, but it's blown me away!"

Mastitis (again)

aren't anti biotics wonderful?

Mastitis

Ick!

Oh this is good

Using this blog I can see the last time I was really shouty, and it's 2 weeks ago!  Which is definitely an improvement.  Of course, now I've blogged it I will be shouty for evermore, but feel for D and M that they had a 2 week break.

Must remember today...

.... because it may never happen again!  I had the children from 8.30 am to 2.30 pm completely on my own and all was fine.  We all actually rather enjoyed it.  True we got to this morning's group an hour late, but that actually suited D better so was a good discovery.

On a perhaps more interesting note, speaking to a friend yesterday on the phone, she asked how the children were, and I replied, "Oh great, they're getting on, they LOVE each other" she laughed and said "Oh that's just a phase".  It made me realise how contrived I've been (understandably but even so its there), and how worried and how, well you get the picture by now... Another important reminder to LET GO!

Speaking of letting go, came into the room this am to find Michael gagging on the oatcake his sister had tenderly inserted into that tempting baby mouth of his.  Much removal of oatcakes and joint binning followed.  Then return to find M about to fed a rice cake, more removal etc.  Not so much baby led weaning as toddler led - D obviously doesn't realise that we dont wean till 6 months now dear and is old school in her approach.  Mind you, Prof Gideon Lack suggests we are more prone to food allergies because we are not exposed to minute scraps of potential allergens in just this way, hence the rise of peanut allergies etc.  Look him up, interesting stuff.

I need to move the snack cupboard I think...

She loves me

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Yup, D is getting over her acutely heart broken stage at Michael's arrival, and if I am honest, so am I.  Never of case of loving one or the other, or doubting my capacity to love both, more about how to fit it all in.  Somehow we are fitting enough in, prob not as much as before (sneaky suspicion this may be better), but enough.  We are healing together which is as it should be.  Meanwhile Michael is doing just fine thank you very much - not knowing anything different and being a very small baby, copious amounts of boob, sleep, cuddles and interesting big sister to watch suit him well indeed.

So far...

... missed the bus, put my undies on back to front and grumped at D.  The first 2 dont matter. 

Broad St today

Suddenly hit by the certainty of everyone's Buddha nature.  No more than that, and I can only remember having the flash, not how it felt, did was or anything.  But wow! Kissing Michael's head, ruffling Deborah's hair, contact with my children transports me to bliss.

A beautiful day, thank you.

Three Little Words...

.. Feeding on demand.  Have worked out I am just going to be exhausted whatever I do, it's not D's added feeding needs that are exhausting me.  However, not responding to them leads to tantrums which do!  So more full-fat coffee and earlier nights for me, whilst the behemoth and his sister suckle to their hearts content.

Realised this am that D mainly used to regulate her temper through nursing, and because I have been twitchy about how much she is feeding atm, she has not only had to find another way - more tantrums- but has had an ambivalent mummy to cope with also.  No wonder she has been more frustrated, plus the whole being 2 and having a new brother thing....

The Behemoth (otherwise known as Michael) is doing an excellent job of a human nipple clamp, a skill which I wish he hadn't learnt for another 20 years and certainly not on his mother.  Not stopping him from expanding at an incredible rate (I swear if you watched him you could actually see it) and despite hitting 12 weeks today, his 3-6 month clothes are working hard to contain him.  Woohoo for ebay and clothes bundles! Sadly those for post-partum podgy mummies are not so exciting. 

Lovely Afternoon

Sat in the garden with lots of garden toys, 2 toddlers and 1 baby covered in sun cream, 1 other mummy and snacks.  The chocolate got everywhere, as did the sand and water and my goodness dont mention the sunblock, but we had fun.  Need more days like this!

Managing Anger

So far I am managing to....

1. reduce shouting

2. not belitte or call names

3. be very specific about what needs to happen

4. sit on my hands

5. speak quietly

6. walk away

I still need to 

1. be more consistent

2. offer more food (to myself, Deborah and Michael)

3. take more deep breaths for immediate distance

I need this blog

Looking back at some of the posts I realise I am not as bad as I often think.  This week's big revalation was that I don't always shout when I am angry.  Not doing so well this morning, feel literally drained as both children being milk monsters, but we are about to go out for curry.  This will continue to be a very dull and tedious blog, but I need someplace to find a mirror.

How I gave Birth.

This was posted at the time on a pregnancy forum but it seems fitting to post it here now. Not long after I posted it originally I was back in hospital for a few days as I couldn't stop throwing up or eat. Somehow I managed to keep on breastfeeding which is miraculous. Thanks again are due to the staff at the Royal Berks - how many times strangers saved my life.

" Isn't she beautiful!

Also wanted to say how amazing I personally found the staff at the Royal Berks Midwifery Unit, they were amazing! My waters broke on Friday am about 5am so we went into hospital where they wired me up to a monitor for a short while to check on Deborah as my contractions weren't starting. Not much happened apart from pains on Friday night, and then many more, regular contractions on Saturday around 11 am. I was in the bath, so I got out and rushed to the hospital, throwing up as I went.... When I got there the MW said my cervix was only thinned, not dilated, and that I could go home and control the pain with paracetomol. For some reason I was too scared to go home, and was still being sick, so I asked to stay. I had some pethidine as the pain was so bad, and they put me in a non-delivery room. At that point it all gets a bit weird. I'd tried some gas and air, but it made me feel soooo drunk, but after the pethidine I could hardly speak. A new MW took over took one look at me and got really concerned. I was really out of it by this point, and all I could say was "I can't do this". I was still having contractions, but my cervix was opening really slowly. It was probably about 4pm by now. Fairly soon after they suggested an emergency c-section, and to be honest I was relieved. I was thinking of asking for one as I could feel the contractions weren't doing anything. So funny, I kept on needing to pee and wondering off to the loo shakily, hooked up to a drip, with just a t-short on and my kecks hanging out, past a tv room, but I just didn't care lol. The fetal monitor showed that Deborah was in distress, so they got me in theatre for about 6 ish. Honestly the moment I had the epidural it was bliss! I was so terrified of it, but it was like putting my legs in a warm bath. The anesthetist was brilliant, he spoke to me throughout the whole op, and kept a close eye on my drugs, so when the stuff they were using triggered my asthma he bought a nebuliser, when they made me sick he bought a little bowl, he was really good.
Deborah was born at 6.29pm and she gave everyone a little shock as she was still quite high up in my uterus, still at 3/5ths engaged. They think that after my waters breaking I caught a womb infection, and that this, plus the total loss of my waters made my womb clamp really tightly around poor Debs so she couldn't engage properly, and the contractions couldn't have worked. For anyone reading this whose waters do break before labour this is very rare, so don't worry! Most times it is absolutely fine. I'm really good at picking up bugs, so if it was going to happen to anyone it would be me lol.
Debs needed some facial oxygen but had good apgar scores. She weighed 7lbs 7oz's and is totally healthy thankfully. After she was born they were trying to put my womb back, but it started to bleed heavily every time it contracted, which meant I had a hemorrhage loosing about 2 litres of blood. I was on the table for another couple of hours to sort me out, and they sent Debs up to be fed as she had low blood sugar. Eventually they managed to sew me up, with the help of a rouche balloon? to control the bleeding. Luckily before the op I'd managed to warn the surgeon that I do bleed heavily with this sort of thing (although I've only ever had dental surgery before) which she said was helpful. No idea how I remembered that in the state I was in, but someone was looking out for me.
We went up to the HDU where we stayed until Sunday evening, after which I went on the main wards and I had a whole variety of MW's squeeze my boobies into amazing shapes to feed Debs. I was still hooked up to all sorts of drips, so it was quite difficult. On Sunday my colostrum dried up and I was in bits all day. I didn't expect to have a c-section, and still feel like I haven't really "given birth" which is silly. I had to start with formula feeding, and it's only really today that my milk has come in and with 2 visits back to the breast-feeding clinic that I've been able to feed Debs. I'm really hoping to able to keep on feeding her, it's been really difficult trying so fingers crossed. I still dont feel brilliant as am strong anti-biotics, but am making a good recovery. The most important thing is that we have our beautiful baby daughter - I keep on gazing at her in awe as she is so lovely, and OH is so in love and a dab hand at nappies lol. Apologies for the length, this is all bit long-winded! But, I'd do it all again 10 times over as I'm sure any mum would as Debs is beautiful!"

Quick recap - and joy!

Some of you know that my mum was recently admitted to a psychiatric unit under suspicion of a suspected suicide attempt. It wasn't that, it was actually that she'd taken too many of her anti-anxiety drugs in order to stop thinking for the day. The trigger for this was that she had just been to visit us when Debs was 3 weeks old and she found it very difficult as it brought up too many memories of past stillbirths/miscarriage that she had before she had me. Anyway we've been talking on the phone as I have not felt strong enough to see mum, and last week I sent her some lovely photographs of Debs. Last night I got a phone call saying she has been readmitted to a psychiatric unit for intensive medical therapy. In a way it's been really helpful as something inside has finally clicked and I no longer feel responsible for any of it, just really, really sad. I always used to feel really responsible as when I was little I was told mummy got ill when I was born, and I figured that therefore her being ill was my fault and that it would have been better if I hadn't been born. She was also a serial abuser and used to regularly hit me leaving marks as well as lots of shouting and emotional abuse. She only stopped hitting me once I was big enough to hold her off but she was still hitting dad in a "play" way before he died. I did stop her when I saw it happen. Obviously I love her as she is my mum and I do think that it's quite obvious that she has never had adequate medical support. Also I'm aware that somehow our family slipped through the net to a certain extent to allow the abuse to continue. As a child I didn't realise it was abuse that realisation came later, also accompanied with the realisation of how awful it must be to be the perpetrator of all of that. As the survivor of it one can go forward and be joyful about the future but as the perpetrator the guilt stays with you. It certainly stayed with mum and many of our conversations during the time I was pregnant dwelt on my childhood and and even more so on her previous stillbirths (2) and miscarriage. It was always very hard as I actually want to leave my childhood behind and don't feel I can absolve mum of her guilt. I have said many times it's ok, as I do understand she was ill but it's up to her to drop that final burden. The times when she talked her children were particularly difficult as Debs was growing fast within my womb and I was extra vulnerable then. I asked her a few times to not talk about these issues, the last time was 2 weeks before Debs was born. Then I wrote her a letter asking her to seek help elsewhere I was unable to give it. This triggered some major psychosis which also involves feelings of guilt about my father's death. This then led to her first admission into hospital after meeting Debs.

Last night was a blessing in disguise. I have finally twigged that I am not responsible for any of this and despite the fact that many of mum's episodes seem to be triggered by good things happening to me I've finally realiesd it's not punishment. It's not mum beating me up anymore which it felt like but just her irrational brain doing irrational things which I can't hope to understand. So although I naturally feel very sad about it and want to cry I no longer feel at fault. This is such a huge relief it's like dropping the biggest ever piece of luggage so in a way I am grateful to mum right now. It is good she is back in hospital - the mental health worker I spoke to last night feels that mum has been treated for too long with the wrong dosage of the older type of anti-psychotics - mainly because mum has refused newer treatments and will not take stronger doses lol. Hopefully that choice will be taken away from her in order to benefit her which seems a funny thing to write.

As I write I can feel my neck extending upwards. For years I have suffered from a huge emotional flinch that has dominated everything. Like many other survivors of abuse I felt compelled to re-create this flinch as it was the only form of love/attention I felt happy with, hence when I was presented with real happiness I had to re-produce my flinch through fear and perfectionism. But now I see my flinch for what it is a conditioned response not a crutch and its ok because I can make friends with it. it's good to make friends with my flinch as this I can do. I can't undo the past, I cant stop mum from hurting, but I can make friends with my flinch :)

Here and Now

I like meditating! It's so nice to reconnect with that softer side that allows space for all of me all the nice and nasty bits without discrimination. That softer space is pointing to all the perfectionism still governing my relationships - guess what with mum lol. I've realised it takes 2 to tango and although there is love between us there is a lot of other stuff too and its ok for all of it to be there. So next time we talk on the phone and she complains about hmmm well everything lol I'm going to try and remember the middle path through it all, I dont need to jump and solve it, or feel guilty that I feel resentful for being placed in a "saviour" position, I can just allow it to be there and smile at my perfectionism.

Deborah is wonderful - nothing like a small baby as a teacher. So much love which gives me a nice break from the fear and perfectionism, giving me a good opportunity to appreciate all of me. Gazing in her deep grey eyes which sparkle like heamatite while she nurses is mind-blowing. Such a thing to be born a female and to have offered a ride to someone else for 9 months! Gratitude to all the Buddha's but especially Green Tara.

Gratitude

As you can see Debs is being introduced to yoga already :) I'm proud to report that the first thing she has officially grabbed at was my mala (Buddhist rosary) whilest I was meditating, but that could easily be explained by the fact it's an easy object for a baby to grasp at.

Debs is now 13 weeks old and is a wonderfully happy child. She has a lovely infectious grin and charmed lots of our friends on a recent holiday. She enjoys time by herself and also with people, and loves watching other babies. She is teaching myself and Ian an awful lot about being in the moment as that's what babies do an awful lot of, it's a privilege to be around.

Being a mum is wonderful and my heart flows over with gratitude. To spend time with my daughter is the most precious time in the world. To think that 2 beings passing through time and spce in the way we do can form such a relationship is awe-inspiring.