Friday, April 13, 2012
Had a really funny thing happen this week, a couple of days ago. Actually it started Tuesday, when I had some more treatment from the dr for my health issues, which have been weighing more heavily than I had realised. Wednesday I was shouting at one or other of the kids about something and I realised that I was actually angry for a reason, I wasn't being a complete monster for shouting. Shouting is not a good way to deal with children, but I realised I had reason, and wasn't awful or failing as a mother, just reacting to circumstances. I constantly think I'm failing as a mum, so this was a huge realisation for me. I then realised that the answer to that argument was hidden somewhere in my reaction. So I could even stop feeling guilty about being angry! For me this is so big I simply cannot say it enough times, I feel so guilty constantly. I also realised that I would find the answer to the thing just by using the energy of th arising stuff. So if it was angry, I just spoke clearer, if. I was tired and a child was wanting more than I could physically do, I could just sort of relax into it. I'm still shouting too much, but it's coming from a calmer place. I phoned Ian as D had been screaming for half an hour and nothing I could do could get through until I used the anger energy. Ian noticed how calm I sounded which was great! This is also part of it, autistic children learn by observation, so the last thing you're supposed to do as a mum is shout. But the thing is, I have so many asd traits myself and am so similar to D that Im pretty certain I would have been diagnosed as autistic had that been around that much 40 years ago. So I'm already on a wrong foot, I also have her sensory issues, meaning loud noises really put me straight into fight or flight. So when she is screaming I'm battling my fight or flight, yet being desperately upset as a mum excuse my child is screaming. Add to that the complete failure in being unable to remain calm, no experts advice to follow because I've just failed it, and I still have a desperately unhappy child to support, whilst probably being in great. Physical and emotional pain... I think the most of this, is that being a parent is just about being oneself and just all the stuff that comes up. The problem is, I find this hard - like all parents. These days paretong is so focused on sleep routines, when to feed solids, polite behaviour etc, whereas, my worries were all about who I was when I was with the kids. I always felt that was more important, but never knew how to do it. Parenting is pretty well defined as I do things that are odd, but seem to suit my kids, the battle has seemed external as well as internal.