Notes.

Had a really funny thing happen this week, a couple of days ago. Actually it started Tuesday, when I had some more treatment from the dr for my health issues, which have been weighing more heavily than I had realised. Wednesday I was shouting at one or other of the kids about something and I realised that I was actually angry for a reason, I wasn't being a complete monster for shouting. Shouting is not a good way to deal with children, but I realised I had reason, and wasn't awful or failing as a mother, just reacting to circumstances. I constantly think I'm failing as a mum, so this was a huge realisation for me. I then realised that the answer to that argument was hidden somewhere in my reaction. So I could even stop feeling guilty about being angry! For me this is so big I simply cannot say it enough times, I feel so guilty constantly. I also realised that I would find the answer to the thing just by using the energy of th arising stuff. So if it was angry, I just spoke clearer, if. I was tired and a child was wanting more than I could physically do, I could just sort of relax into it. I'm still shouting too much, but it's coming from a calmer place. I phoned Ian as D had been screaming for half an hour and nothing I could do could get through until I used the anger energy. Ian noticed how calm I sounded which was great! This is also part of it, autistic children learn by observation, so the last thing you're supposed to do as a mum is shout. But the thing is, I have so many asd traits myself and am so similar to D that Im pretty certain I would have been diagnosed as autistic had that been around that much 40 years ago. So I'm already on a wrong foot, I also have her sensory issues, meaning loud noises really put me straight into fight or flight. So when she is screaming I'm battling my fight or flight, yet being desperately upset as a mum excuse my child is screaming. Add to that the complete failure in being unable to remain calm, no experts advice to follow because I've just failed it, and I still have a desperately unhappy child to support, whilst probably being in great. Physical and emotional pain... I think the most of this, is that being a parent is just about being oneself and just all the stuff that comes up. The problem is, I find this hard - like all parents. These days paretong is so focused on sleep routines, when to feed solids, polite behaviour etc, whereas, my worries were all about who I was when I was with the kids. I always felt that was more important, but never knew how to do it. Parenting is pretty well defined as I do things that are odd, but seem to suit my kids, the battle has seemed external as well as internal.

My typos are terrible!

My iPad does weird things in this format, I'm thinking about changing browsers. Maids love it though so that's cool.

D has started her new school. It's a special school and I struggle with that, but then I also struggle with the fact that the ed psych has said she is too high functioning, too normal to attend. He's right, she is, but she was highly anxious in her previous setting. Such a shame our schools do not cater for happiness? What else is there?

Last thing to end on a happy note. We had an Easter Assembly at school recently. D LOVES her school, loves her teacher, runs onto the bus with a big grin in the am and is generally calmer and happier at home. It's completely brilliant. Easter Assembly happened, I'd made an Easter bonnet with D just before. She was the only one out of her class and the first child in the whole school to stand, smiling broadly, and parade her hat. Just amazing. The older pupils did amazing presentations, but of course it's my girl in her hat I remember.

World Autism Awarerness Day

So ill ATM, all wobbly and dizzy and trying to stay upright and not vomit, or shake, ache etc. blood test results on Thursday. Somehow it's quite brilliant, somehow there is more happy involved. Today was brilliant. It's not always going to be so, but just had a get day mooching around wit the kids.m did scream and swear this am, when they'd thrown sand all over them selves and I was worried about sand and eyes and ears - wouldn't be the first time. But then I released I hadn't had time to check in with myself, so I sat down at 11, had my first drink of the day and realised I actually felt rubbish and scared. So I had a good reason to be angry, and knowing that disapiatated it.

So the thing I've realised on WAAday is that somehow I can actually cope. The fear and uncertainty of the last year, the worry about schools, the hatred and judgement of our schools, it's being got through. There will be more stuff too, I accept that.

Also realising how much fear of other peoples reactions has so far spoilt my aims for career and study is really helpful. It's such a tangible fear, if not I could cut it up and cook it, there would be no more world hunger. Such a shame. Seeing the sadm fear in D and realising its a fear of unpredictability of learning not being completed unless its rote and perfect, and seeing the same fear and knowing its all brain level stuff. Born with brain level stuff, not learned. I've tried so hard to shield her from being like me, taking her out constantly as a child, socialising her, doing everything the various specialists said and she's still use who she is. M on the other hand, who I did none of those things for, is so sociable I don't nderstand it. I don't get how he can just walk up to another child and start playing, how does he know the rules? I never did and that's when I start to get it, get that subtle but huge difference in brains.