Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Done it again

Not sure what, but I have. I recognise this in my kids - both get over excited and then meltdown, and I think this is what I do too.  It's really upsetting - today is Christmas and I spent half the day so worried as D has a nasty cough/cold and is so poorly.  We went out for coffee and I was working super hard on keeping her calm and connected.  I was feeling resentful for having to take D out, worried about taking the kids away from their toys, confused as it's also a good thing to do something my husband wants to so, anxious as I was going to be making lunch late, and Christmas lunch is so complicated (It's not) and worried the kids would argue through being hungry and ARGH. It went on and on.  Whilst we were eating I calmed down and then a friend visited this afternoon with her son which was lovely.

Then it was all ok and I started to feel such grief that I'd wasted so much time worrying, and not enjoying the kid's Christmas. I've had 42 now and I remember the day's when my Christmases were in single figures and how special and magical they were.  December has been so much hard work navigating tired child, Michael's HUGE anxieties, nativity plays, and just the social Christmas pressure It's been like an iron band tightening round my head and I haven't had time to notice as I've been so busy looking out for the kids, friends, etc.  I feel numb as I wanted to enjoy Christmas so much by cherishing and adoring my children, but actually it ended being a huge stress despite everything I tried to avoid it.  When we were at the coffee shop, I was so focussed on D, I was actively rude to people who were trying to talk me (I didn't have the attention to spare) and I felt/feel so bloody autistic.  I then feel like I'm having a tantrum to get my own way, which is also true, which then goes around and around and around....

Talking to my friend apparently she was warned off me by her friend who said "I'd lost weight and was outspoken".  Neither of these qualities are bad things, neither should invoke suspicion (loosing weight) or disdain (Being outspoken).  I'm admired for my bravery in being completely honest and I'm open on purpose - to inspire parents/children living with ASD and to show I'm just who I am, and I'm no longer willing to hide.  Except today I needed to hide and didn't, and worried and was out there and missed my children.  I'm grieving for that.

4 comments:

WaggerMama said...

Massive hugs (tho not of you are all hugged out). I confessed to D this year that I find Christmas VERY hard to deal with - all the buildup AND having to sleep away from home). This year had been better - possibly in lowering my expectations - not being in so much pain helps too.

I hope you can gently wind down and get some 'head time'

Rachel Cotton said...

Thank you - it was ultimately very useful. Our Christmas is so low key, reducing our standards would probably mean not getting up...

glad you had a better time this year and are not in so much pain.

WaggerMama said...

I only just saw your reply - isn't it weird/terrible how people associate weight change and personality change in women. Maybe it's a control thing?

Rachel Cotton said...

Yes - it is so odd! But hey - I like that being outspoken is regarded as somewhat suspicious in a way...