"Sometimes, for me, the closed door can be a useful metaphor. I'd decided I was going to have an HIV test many moons ago, and went to see the Tibetan Buddha statues in the British Museum. The display was in the process of being refurbished so I could only see their backs, at first I felt cross and let down. Then I realised that it was because this bit I needed to do on my own steam so to speak - the Buddha within I guess. Although that's duality but I think you'll understand what I mean. So closed doors are sometimes helpful.
I've been meaning to email you anyway - Deborah has just received a diagnosis from a paediatrician as being somewhere on the autistic spectrum, and I wanted to let you know. Michael is definitely not, but both full of life, and in the main, happy. Michael's naming ceremony is soon too.
Writing the above bit about closed doors has been a useful experience, yesterday I had a truly terrible day with the children. Whenever they screamed, I did and it carried on for most of the morning, with few breaks. Luckily lunch resolved things happily, and the afternoon was peaceful. Part of it is my feeling of being unsupported and shocked and dismayed after Deborah's diagnosis (my Mother in Law and Ian, and others do support me). Another part is that we're all ill, and I think I have a chest infection too. But its the same experience as seeing the Buddha's from the back again - maybe as well as being propelled to find my own strength there is something about the backbone of the Buddha that's in there for me too? So closed doors or backbones, I guess it's how they are for you too that's useful."