She loves me

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Yup, D is getting over her acutely heart broken stage at Michael's arrival, and if I am honest, so am I.  Never of case of loving one or the other, or doubting my capacity to love both, more about how to fit it all in.  Somehow we are fitting enough in, prob not as much as before (sneaky suspicion this may be better), but enough.  We are healing together which is as it should be.  Meanwhile Michael is doing just fine thank you very much - not knowing anything different and being a very small baby, copious amounts of boob, sleep, cuddles and interesting big sister to watch suit him well indeed.

So far...

... missed the bus, put my undies on back to front and grumped at D.  The first 2 dont matter. 

Broad St today

Suddenly hit by the certainty of everyone's Buddha nature.  No more than that, and I can only remember having the flash, not how it felt, did was or anything.  But wow! Kissing Michael's head, ruffling Deborah's hair, contact with my children transports me to bliss.

A beautiful day, thank you.

Three Little Words...

.. Feeding on demand.  Have worked out I am just going to be exhausted whatever I do, it's not D's added feeding needs that are exhausting me.  However, not responding to them leads to tantrums which do!  So more full-fat coffee and earlier nights for me, whilst the behemoth and his sister suckle to their hearts content.

Realised this am that D mainly used to regulate her temper through nursing, and because I have been twitchy about how much she is feeding atm, she has not only had to find another way - more tantrums- but has had an ambivalent mummy to cope with also.  No wonder she has been more frustrated, plus the whole being 2 and having a new brother thing....

The Behemoth (otherwise known as Michael) is doing an excellent job of a human nipple clamp, a skill which I wish he hadn't learnt for another 20 years and certainly not on his mother.  Not stopping him from expanding at an incredible rate (I swear if you watched him you could actually see it) and despite hitting 12 weeks today, his 3-6 month clothes are working hard to contain him.  Woohoo for ebay and clothes bundles! Sadly those for post-partum podgy mummies are not so exciting. 

Lovely Afternoon

Sat in the garden with lots of garden toys, 2 toddlers and 1 baby covered in sun cream, 1 other mummy and snacks.  The chocolate got everywhere, as did the sand and water and my goodness dont mention the sunblock, but we had fun.  Need more days like this!

Managing Anger

So far I am managing to....

1. reduce shouting

2. not belitte or call names

3. be very specific about what needs to happen

4. sit on my hands

5. speak quietly

6. walk away

I still need to 

1. be more consistent

2. offer more food (to myself, Deborah and Michael)

3. take more deep breaths for immediate distance

I need this blog

Looking back at some of the posts I realise I am not as bad as I often think.  This week's big revalation was that I don't always shout when I am angry.  Not doing so well this morning, feel literally drained as both children being milk monsters, but we are about to go out for curry.  This will continue to be a very dull and tedious blog, but I need someplace to find a mirror.