This hurts now

Feel stuck in a sort of twilight zone quagmire with D atm. Not knowing if there is something wrong or not is a special sort of hell made much worse when one is perfectionist like me. I'm starting to notice so much though, how many games M initiates and D doesn't, how many small kindnesses M shows to D that aren't reciprocated, how much speech she does repeat, how zoned out she gets, how screechy she gets, argh. Poor sausage, this is dangerously close to scapegoating. I'm getting so scared by the things I dislike that I shout at her - how awful, when love and kindness is the only way forward.

All made worse by a week of no sleep and a cold.

Must remember

Snuggling up to Michael as he falls asleep, foreheads touching, little rasping snores, fists unclenching, unfurling like flowers, ah sleep! And children. Tonight I almost wished for the world to stop right here and now, stop in that one perfect, perfect moment. Then I realised what I was asking for and let go.

In other worlds we have started doing yoga after lunch time. That and not actually attempting so obviously insane as leaving the house seems to be helping with the post lunch tantrums. Plus an extra snack at 3 ish. For all my collywobbles which have been many, D runs into pre-school happily, is getting less inclined to kiss me goodbye and runs off quickly to get on with stuff, is happy when I pick her up, and I hear reports from another mum that her daughter really enjoys D's company.

We have done D's initial speech and language assessment, the 2nd comes tomorrow when she will be observed by the therapist in the setting of the nursery to find out exactly what exhausts her. So that will be useful. We are also being referred onto the hospital for checks for further developmental delays. It's hard to know at this stage if D is needing more help. But now we've started this process I think we need to carry on with it. The speech and language therapist said she wasn't going to advise interventions just yet as D's sentence structure is long enough and quite coherent but there is an issue with D repeating things we say, and appearing to zone out. I'm assuming these are pointers towards aspergers. In all honesty I think at this stage a sensitive child who's speech needed to come on would also present the same , so it's good to be getting the further tests at the hospital.

Gosh I love the children so so so much.