Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Same old, same old

Interesting stuff this resentment. Rev Olwen pointed out to me that the clinging caused by it is that which needs tackling through letting go. So I'm trying... My skin is really misbehaving itself tonight, it feels like it has lots of shooting needles and crawling worms in it. I can usually relieve this with anti-histamine, but as I just found out I'm one months pregnant (too soon to be certain we'll have a baby), ah's are out of the window. I'm not happy with the steroid cream I'm using on my skin too, but my dr assured me it would be ok. It has been proven to cause cleft lips etc in rats (poor rats), but the official line is if thats the best option for you, then your dr will ok it. Obviously not an entirely great decision to make.

So here am I, showing willing by not taking anti-histamine, and actually and rather mercifully not feeling nauseous. Another really useful opportunity for practice has been my morning sickness - not thrown up yet, but I now have a nose that can detect garlic and petrol at 100 paces. So useful! As I said it would be a good opportunity for practice, but I'm finding it totally impossible to sit back and observe whats going on. I'm not sure whether its all new, or whether it is totally different to ME, but it certainly feels like it. With ME there would usually be a semi logical explaination, something I had to change etc for it to reduce, but with morning sickness, it's quite never ending. Maybe my attempt at practica can be to be more compassionate to myself. No matter how many times I write/think/explain my spiritual journey, I always forget number 1, ie COMPASSION. Sorry for making you jump, but I'm so forgetful. So thank you to whatever it is that made me finally get out of bed and write, rather than remain and scratch, thank you for the reminder about compassion. I guess it will have to be practical compassion, ie not just sitting around feeling my pain or whatever, but carrying on doing stuff, with a lighter, less grasping edge to it.

You many have noticed I reffered obliquely to being pregnant. As I said its only a month, and right now, the shock is just about passing, and I starting to grasp how organised I'm going to need to be to plan my final year of MA around potential baby. I'm getting quite a few stomach cramps, so I'm not sure how potential, potential baby is. It's such an odd feeling, I feel I'm like the vehicle for another beings karma. I guess in a way we all are, but the prospect of motherhood, and more specifically a being growing inside me really brings that into focus. Tibetan Buddhism makes a lot of mothers and their care for their children. We are supposed to honour all beings as if they were our mothers, for at some point in our myriad previous existences, they would have been. The gratitude that arises is supposed to be very powerful. Sadly when this practice was introduced to the West, Tibetans came into contact with dysfunctional families, so the words sometimes get altered. I naturally have problems with it, which is a shame. Despite all the beatings, and shouting etc, my Mum did actually bring me up. I never went hungry, naked, thirsty etc, so you know I do try to appreciate the good stuff went on. As well as realising that my folks were in themselves vehicles for my karma, which I have in some previous life created. The shared karmic bonds between us that ripened at that point were not 100% happy ones.

Still miss Dad a lot, still find Mum hard to deal with, unless I turn on the light-hearted compassion button. So interesting to see all these shadows passing, see how real I make them, whilest forgetting that which transcends all, ie compassion.


Anonymous said...

See your Doctor asap for some relief. I took some Ah when I was pregnant both times. Your world is about to change. Stop thinking about yourself.

Gingerpig said...

Good for you anonymous! I have actually been to see my Dr on Monday, where he ruled out all AH for me. We also went through the other steroids I use - the reason I've been doing the eczema solution work is to try and make sure that my body would be a really healthy environment for my baby, especially as I intend to breastfeed. Sadly, baby has decided to come along before I've been able to stop using steroids - I dont drink, smoke or even drink coffee, but I am worried about the effects of some of the steroid creams on a growing foetus. I'm really not sure I'd want to add AH into that mix, as the steroid ointment is graded quite a potent one. I've managed to reduce my scratching significantly which is good, but not yet enough to allow the chronic eczema to heal and so get me off steroids. I read somewhere that severe nausea is a sign of a good healthy foetus chucking out the stuff it doesn't need, so I hope that's the case here.

I hope you're right, I do hope my world is about to change. My mum had 3 miscarriages before she had me and there are a lot in both sides of my family. I'm trying to let go of the "oooooooooooo I'm going to have a baby" as I feel at 6 weeks for me it would be slightly premature thinking. Atm it feels for me is if I may have a baby, and that's pretty cool. My world is changing significantly already - I have an internal dialogue where I say to baby, "this is how mummy deals with things, she listens, and then tries to let go. " I was talking to a monk today who summed up the meditation practice for the baby as placing it fully in a seat of meditation. I can't claim to be doing that right now, but I'm going to aim. You're totally right on the not thinking about myself - it is a very interesting exercise sitting with all the itching and nausea and letting go of it, or not as last night's post obviously came across to you. Do you have a blog? If you do it would be fun to read, always good to gain insights from others.

villafan said...

in time re the loss of your dad wil get easier dont know when though
my nan died last year and i still miss her alot :(

but i dealin with it

and at the end she didnt know who i was anyway

but we are going to put some flowers or plants in our garden on her bday so i can remember her then and for always

(it feels the right thing to do)

I hope your doctor can help u with what meds u can and cant take gingerpig

as for the others news
i am hopein it all works out for you here

and thinkin of you both here at this time ok


and as for the other poster
your not selfish at all your the leaST selfish person i have met

take care and look after yourself ok


wibble_puppy said...

hoy hoy preggy piglet,

so totally peacefully full of joy for you and Ian.

best possible wishes for a passing of the nausea and the itching, and may you sleep well and wake to peace, inside yourself and outside.

with love to all three of you (and the piglets)

uuuliet xxxxxxxxxxxxxx