Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Premonition
This from Ian... Only if baby takes after dad though, if it takes after me it will have the anti-knack!
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Mandala
It's late and I'm awake finishing off sewing cushion covers for a rocking chair I plan to use for nursing. It will also be good to use it now for getting up, especially as it is newly covered. On my windows media player is a tape of one of the senior monks from Ian's tradition talking about mandala's. Although these figure predominantly in the Tibetan tradition I have little idea about them or how they are used, so I've been listening along.
From this, I get the gist that the 5 Buddha families are represented as points on the mandala, and that each of these has it's own representation as a "hindrance" ie greed, rejection etc. That the nature of each of the points is both hindrance and Buddha is wonderful. It means that each hindrance is to be considered a Bodhisattva.
In this light, it's is pertinent for me to realise that mum is my very own Bodhisattva, symbolising for me hatred, and ignorance. As I mentioned before there is a dark side within me that is almost glad to be able to use my own upbringing as an "excuse" for "failing" with my child. If these feelings are understood to be points on my own personal mandala, and often personified by the various people I meet on the way, how much more useful are they? I have been so grateful for this situation arising, as it's one I have always struggled with, and I have felt that I am really getting somewhere on the very superficial level of addressing my relationship with mum. On a more personal level, then what does this mean? In the same teaching, the monk talks about how women need to avoid hiding behind inadequacy and over adequacy - ie behind a traditional female role, or the more aggressive persona often adopted when we find ourselves battling in the workplace etc. I can see the link here between my fear (the inadequacy) and perfectionism (the over adequacy). So again, I am dealing with my two friends, but it is at a more subtle, certainly less physical level than the ME operated. Mind you today I have been fighting nausea, so maybe it is manifesting there too.
As the monk says, the guardians of the mandala points often have terrifying appearances, and it has been a bumpy ride recently. I am grateful however for the bumps and the scary faces, and for the continual power of Dharma to point me back to myself. I have written to mum with much love, I do feel it is a kindness to someone to say "its ok to let go" which in some ways was the essence of my letter to her. But, it is more important for me to take that kindness to heart and practice again just recognising and letting go of my 2 good friends, fear and perfectionism.
From this, I get the gist that the 5 Buddha families are represented as points on the mandala, and that each of these has it's own representation as a "hindrance" ie greed, rejection etc. That the nature of each of the points is both hindrance and Buddha is wonderful. It means that each hindrance is to be considered a Bodhisattva.
In this light, it's is pertinent for me to realise that mum is my very own Bodhisattva, symbolising for me hatred, and ignorance. As I mentioned before there is a dark side within me that is almost glad to be able to use my own upbringing as an "excuse" for "failing" with my child. If these feelings are understood to be points on my own personal mandala, and often personified by the various people I meet on the way, how much more useful are they? I have been so grateful for this situation arising, as it's one I have always struggled with, and I have felt that I am really getting somewhere on the very superficial level of addressing my relationship with mum. On a more personal level, then what does this mean? In the same teaching, the monk talks about how women need to avoid hiding behind inadequacy and over adequacy - ie behind a traditional female role, or the more aggressive persona often adopted when we find ourselves battling in the workplace etc. I can see the link here between my fear (the inadequacy) and perfectionism (the over adequacy). So again, I am dealing with my two friends, but it is at a more subtle, certainly less physical level than the ME operated. Mind you today I have been fighting nausea, so maybe it is manifesting there too.
As the monk says, the guardians of the mandala points often have terrifying appearances, and it has been a bumpy ride recently. I am grateful however for the bumps and the scary faces, and for the continual power of Dharma to point me back to myself. I have written to mum with much love, I do feel it is a kindness to someone to say "its ok to let go" which in some ways was the essence of my letter to her. But, it is more important for me to take that kindness to heart and practice again just recognising and letting go of my 2 good friends, fear and perfectionism.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Health Visitor
Had my ante-natal visit from the health visitor today which I knew was going to include screening for the likelihood of post-natal depression. So I got in first and discussed the condensed version of the past few weeks... Happily I score low risk for it - she asked me what did I think was it about me that meant I was able to overcome the abuse. I said determination, and I wish I'd also said practice, but the two are related. Without the Lama it would be much higher.
Thanks are also due to Rev Olwen, we talked yesterday about drawing boundaries for my mum. Apparently Eckhart Tolle talks about the existence of a pain body - this feeds on pain in order to survive, and is why we crave pain, and cause it. Mum needs a lot of pain to feed her pain body, and on reflection as I was dropping off to sleep last night, so do I!. I see so many relationships I have soured to cause pain, it really is a comfort zone. Even in my thoughts about child -rearing I sometimes catch glimpses of a darker side that is pleased to have been abused, as it will be a get-out clause for any failures I make with my child. I haven't read "The Power of Now" yet, so I don't know what Tolle recommends one does with one's pain body, but I shall certainly start to honour it's presence.
Mum is getting to quite a handful again, according to Rev Olwen it is her child desperate for attention. I agree, Mum's pain body is also addicted to drama (as is mine) so she realistically only has a few weeks to get in there before my real baby is born. I'm going to write to Mum asking her not to mention her dead babies or expect me to solve her problems. If she feels like she needs support for that, then please seek it elsewhere - if she does persist, then I shall lovingly, but firmly refuse to speak to her. That way, the ball is in her court, she know's what the problem is, and also, she is empowered to do something about it. I think one of the problems of the long-term mentally ill, is that people around you are great at saying, "Oooooo aren't you doing well now...", which realistically can only be helpful for a bit. After a while I feel there must be the recognition that doing well is actually a long-term project, and the longer I make it ok for mum not to do well, the less viable that long-term project will seem to her.
My belly is growing every day, I now have beautiful stretch marks which means baby is growing ever bigger, and becoming more of a presence. As we are approaching the end of one phase, plus the beginning of the next, I feel the need to both honour and enjoy it.
Thanks are also due to Rev Olwen, we talked yesterday about drawing boundaries for my mum. Apparently Eckhart Tolle talks about the existence of a pain body - this feeds on pain in order to survive, and is why we crave pain, and cause it. Mum needs a lot of pain to feed her pain body, and on reflection as I was dropping off to sleep last night, so do I!. I see so many relationships I have soured to cause pain, it really is a comfort zone. Even in my thoughts about child -rearing I sometimes catch glimpses of a darker side that is pleased to have been abused, as it will be a get-out clause for any failures I make with my child. I haven't read "The Power of Now" yet, so I don't know what Tolle recommends one does with one's pain body, but I shall certainly start to honour it's presence.
Mum is getting to quite a handful again, according to Rev Olwen it is her child desperate for attention. I agree, Mum's pain body is also addicted to drama (as is mine) so she realistically only has a few weeks to get in there before my real baby is born. I'm going to write to Mum asking her not to mention her dead babies or expect me to solve her problems. If she feels like she needs support for that, then please seek it elsewhere - if she does persist, then I shall lovingly, but firmly refuse to speak to her. That way, the ball is in her court, she know's what the problem is, and also, she is empowered to do something about it. I think one of the problems of the long-term mentally ill, is that people around you are great at saying, "Oooooo aren't you doing well now...", which realistically can only be helpful for a bit. After a while I feel there must be the recognition that doing well is actually a long-term project, and the longer I make it ok for mum not to do well, the less viable that long-term project will seem to her.
My belly is growing every day, I now have beautiful stretch marks which means baby is growing ever bigger, and becoming more of a presence. As we are approaching the end of one phase, plus the beginning of the next, I feel the need to both honour and enjoy it.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Beautiful Sunset
Sitting upstairs pulling a few rogue hairs from my chin (pregnancy is SO glamorous) I looked up and was spellbound by the glory of the setting sun. A chimney stack with aerial was highlighted in front of the setting golden globe, and white clouds scudded across the deepening blue sky. I pray for baby that it will see the beauty in moments like that and that they remind it of it's real nature. In fact, it's a nice thing for all of us, young and old!
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Wheel turning
I think Wibbles put her finger on it - the wheel is turning! I also think it will probably always be difficult to some extent with my mum but that's not something I can resolve. Christmas showed me that. I now see it as an opportunitiy to really sit tight and sit deep. And that's cool! Very cool, as obviously that's about having confidence in me. Confidence inspired by Buddha nature and the strength of my practice. Rather then denigrating my meditation all the time, perhaps it's about appreciating the beauty and power of the practice for what it is and letting it ROAR! Roar dharma indeed!
Merit to all beings.
Merit to all beings.
Friday, January 12, 2007
36 weeks
We went to the midwife yesterday and she was able to confirm that baby is now 3/5's engaged. This is a measure of how far into my pelvis it's head is. The prospect of labour is exciting and daunting, but more exciting. We did parentcraft classes and the lovely midwife who took them, explained that during labour the cervix and vagina are stretched to become one gate through which the baby comes. I found this really resonated with Dharma but not in a way I can define. Something about that the moment of birth is the moment of passing through this gate and how momentous yet commonplace and non-eventful this is.
I was writing to a very dear friend of mine last night, and was talking about Christmas. I'm being a bit like a dog with a bone - it feels useful and productive now, but I'm aware of the need to drop it in the future. Anyway I said to my friend, " Thinking about it last night I remembered one incident from my teens where she[mum] really put herself out for me, and then took me back under her roof when I'd made a real hash of things, so I'm allowing the memory of that love to sit side by side with the abusive memories." So I feel things are moving in the right direction. Billy Connolly talks about the hidden side of childhood sexual abuse "You know, it feels kinda nice", and although there was none of that going on, it's the same sort of dilemma. I knew I was loved, as when I left home at 17 under a raincloud, I was allowed to move back in after a few months. That takes a huge act of love and courage and faith on my parent's behalf. And of course that same love had also cherished me for years before and afterwards. Maybe it's because I'm trying to resolve the pain of the child who needs things in black and white, needs to know love without fear that this is so difficult?
I was writing to a very dear friend of mine last night, and was talking about Christmas. I'm being a bit like a dog with a bone - it feels useful and productive now, but I'm aware of the need to drop it in the future. Anyway I said to my friend, " Thinking about it last night I remembered one incident from my teens where she[mum] really put herself out for me, and then took me back under her roof when I'd made a real hash of things, so I'm allowing the memory of that love to sit side by side with the abusive memories." So I feel things are moving in the right direction. Billy Connolly talks about the hidden side of childhood sexual abuse "You know, it feels kinda nice", and although there was none of that going on, it's the same sort of dilemma. I knew I was loved, as when I left home at 17 under a raincloud, I was allowed to move back in after a few months. That takes a huge act of love and courage and faith on my parent's behalf. And of course that same love had also cherished me for years before and afterwards. Maybe it's because I'm trying to resolve the pain of the child who needs things in black and white, needs to know love without fear that this is so difficult?
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
ROAR Dharma
I went to see the Lama just before Christmas to catch up and to gain advice for the next few months which will be huge for me. One of my questions was about my continuing inability to get to his teachings - something always seems to come up. For some time I battled it, and all that happened was that my ME symptoms got worse which I was able to deal with. Latterly people and animals around seemed to be getting ill so I felt it appropriate to leave it for a bit. This is not to imply in anyway that the teachings were having an effect on my nearest and dearest, it's just sometimes Dharma seems to have a need to manifest itself particularly clearly! Also the things I'm facing atm are in a very real way for me, much harder than attending teachings, the lessons I'm being offered are getting to my core. I checked this feeling with the Lama and he confirmed it with a kind smile that I'm right in the middle of raw Dharma right not, and it's good to go with the flow. I like the way that raw and roar sound the same, and also the fact that I do feel that Dharma is ROARING at me right now. It always is of course, whether or not it's in Chenrazig's gracious smile or in Manjushri's sword cutting through delusion.
Someone very close to me is having a re-emergence of a long-standing health problem. It's not something that can ever be resolved, and will get worse although it can be helped by pharmaceuticals, so in a way it is to be expected. Pregnancy hormones are not known for making women rational *sigh* and nor does our flawed understanding of the world through attachment to objects. Of course behind and perhaps in front and running right through the situation I can hear the roar of Dharma, calling me back to that place of ... well I don't know really. I'd like to say something wise (well a first time would be nice) about the illusion of shared paths, whilst the reality is that we're all on our way. I think that's it, but the expression is lacking. It feels on the one hand like a very isolated position, but on the other hand of total unity with Buddha nature. Maybe it's like carrying this baby - for 9 months we are sharing almost the same physical space, yet this person is still a stranger to me. As I feel they should be - the Lama said something about a woman's body being a perfect expression of Buddha nature through it's ability to nurture and give birth. Again badly expressed, but the original sentiment was rather better expressed.
The Lama also told me (not literally!) to put my mum in the corner - I think for years I've misunderstood the limits of responsibility and compassion. For me part of the challenge of being a Buddhist is learning to retreat back into me and not divert someone from their path by my mis-guided but well meant love. It's proving hard with mum - she senses change and is resenting it, becoming more clingy and needy in response. So hard to stand in my Buddha nature and just stand. For some time now I've understood that this will do my mum no end of good if she is encouraged to stand on her own 2 feet and not be pitied for living with manic depression, for years the hushed conversations of "isn't she doing so well now!" or the reverse have been my triggers - they are so hard to let go of. Now I'm faced with understanding that I have to make these changes for me, and really for me alone. Like the baby in my womb, me, my close someone, mum is simply another sentient being. Buddhism is beautiful in it's simplicity.
Someone very close to me is having a re-emergence of a long-standing health problem. It's not something that can ever be resolved, and will get worse although it can be helped by pharmaceuticals, so in a way it is to be expected. Pregnancy hormones are not known for making women rational *sigh* and nor does our flawed understanding of the world through attachment to objects. Of course behind and perhaps in front and running right through the situation I can hear the roar of Dharma, calling me back to that place of ... well I don't know really. I'd like to say something wise (well a first time would be nice) about the illusion of shared paths, whilst the reality is that we're all on our way. I think that's it, but the expression is lacking. It feels on the one hand like a very isolated position, but on the other hand of total unity with Buddha nature. Maybe it's like carrying this baby - for 9 months we are sharing almost the same physical space, yet this person is still a stranger to me. As I feel they should be - the Lama said something about a woman's body being a perfect expression of Buddha nature through it's ability to nurture and give birth. Again badly expressed, but the original sentiment was rather better expressed.
The Lama also told me (not literally!) to put my mum in the corner - I think for years I've misunderstood the limits of responsibility and compassion. For me part of the challenge of being a Buddhist is learning to retreat back into me and not divert someone from their path by my mis-guided but well meant love. It's proving hard with mum - she senses change and is resenting it, becoming more clingy and needy in response. So hard to stand in my Buddha nature and just stand. For some time now I've understood that this will do my mum no end of good if she is encouraged to stand on her own 2 feet and not be pitied for living with manic depression, for years the hushed conversations of "isn't she doing so well now!" or the reverse have been my triggers - they are so hard to let go of. Now I'm faced with understanding that I have to make these changes for me, and really for me alone. Like the baby in my womb, me, my close someone, mum is simply another sentient being. Buddhism is beautiful in it's simplicity.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Baby, 21 weeks
This is Baby Cotton at 21 weeks. The observant of you will have noticed this was in fact ten weeks ago. In the top picture the dark space near it's bottom you can see is its bladder, the fact that it is dark shows that it is full and that it's kidneys are working. In the middle picture you can see another dark space in the middle of the chest, and that's it's heart pumping. Words again fail me to express what a blessing this is.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
It'sll about ME!
Well actually it isn't :) I'm writing this an an aide memoire - my anxiety has been reaching incredible levels recently. So I've been breathing deeply and resting in in the present moment, to escape the fear and perfectionism. I think it's deeply ironic, or very funny, or just very handy that M.E. in terms of the illness is born (for me) from too much of ME lolol, ie too much fear and perfectionism. I've been having a difficult time with mum, I'm keying into my childhood again, and remembering all that anxiety. So I've been getting very angry as a form of self protection, which is not helping. Maybe that's why mum was so angry when I was young - severe mental illness probably makes you feel very threatened and vulnerable. *Breathe in* *breathe out*
So it's not all about me after all!
So it's not all about me after all!
Monday, August 07, 2006
Friday, August 04, 2006
Phone Call
Just spoke to my mum a short while ago. I've started a new regime when I speak to her - I've decided I dont need to make life all ok for her, I can listen, but I dont need to add to it. It's been going well so far - we've been having some nice cheerful conversations, and I've not been feeling drained afterwards, which has been lovely. Tonight, after I'd explained about the risk of miscarriages dropping to 5% after 12 weeks, mum still talked rather a lot about miscarriage. All the phone calls I've had with her since (and including) the one when I told her I was pregnant have included mum worrying about miscarriage. I do have a lot of empathy for her, after all the reason why she is worrying about miscarriage is probably related to the fact that she had 3 miscarriages herself before she had me. I dont really want to speculate about her exact reasoning as I feel that's not really my business, and I dont want to put words in her mouth. I am finding it hard though, I am so in love with my baby already, far more than I've ever loved anything else before, yet I'm also so terrified. Like any expectant mother, I'm full of hormones and awareness of all the ways in which my life is going to change, and I'm finding it really hard going. Poor Ian too, having to live with me. Realistically I know I cant protect my child from everything, but I want to give it the best, and I want to feel the best I can about it. Recently I realised that when I was still working, and I felt tired, I would never stop. Rather than ask myself if I was tired and I needed to stop, I would blame myself for the fatigue and push myself harder. It's the perfectionism and fear I've talked about before. The perfectionism wouldn't allow my tiredness, and my fear would push me on deeper and deeper into it. Talking to mum tonight reminded me of the roots of that - as a child I felt responsible for mum's manic depression which I believed was a result of my birth. Her talk of miscarriage and her clinging to misfortune as being the only possible outcome reminds of why I chose perfectionism spurred on by fear as a way of life. Such a shame for both of us! If only mum could enjoy my life, or even better hers, it would be so, so lovely. The love I feel for my child, awakens great love within me, which my practice hints I should share with the world. So I'm trying to. I dont blame mum for my fear and perfectionism, they were afterall the defences that I chose and clung to. In the light of that love though, I find it heartbreaking that someone chooses to wilfully blind themselves from happiness. It's even worse that it's my mum. I think that's why I've often felt so angry about my relationship with mum, I've felt for years responsible for her happiness. Now I'm stepping away I realise that I'm not, and that to be so is an impossible task. I still need to be there for myself in some way too, and not engage with her fears, so all I can do is offer my love - to all I think. Offerings to all sentient beings.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Monday, July 03, 2006
Water
On the way home today, I sat near a carriage on the train where the air conditioning had broken. In the south we've been getting temperatures of about 32 degrees, so you can only imagine what the temperature was like on that carriage - a lot hotter I imagine. After a short while I noticed a very hot looking guard giving out water to all the passengers. He offered me some but as I was in a cool bit, with water of my own and about to get ooff, I declined. What a lvoely thing to do though, the passengers looked so hot, and the train staff were doing their best in difficult circumstances. Nice to have that level of concern for other's well being.
Talking of water, I picked up my first biodegradable bottle of water today. It's made from corn and will compost within about 12 weeks. All of the profits from it goes towards projects providing water in India and Africa, or cleaning rivers in the UK. I think they have a variety of projects. Looking at my bottle, I see they are actually Belu.
It's so hot today it's lovely to see companies supporting life and water in such different ways.
Talking of water, I picked up my first biodegradable bottle of water today. It's made from corn and will compost within about 12 weeks. All of the profits from it goes towards projects providing water in India and Africa, or cleaning rivers in the UK. I think they have a variety of projects. Looking at my bottle, I see they are actually Belu.
It's so hot today it's lovely to see companies supporting life and water in such different ways.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Fear
Interesting stuff being frightened. I tend to think of fear as being a natural reaction, which it is, and that acting on it, or making some sort of resolution base on it is a useful act. For me, my ME was an expression of the high levels of fear I feel about things. This was born out very early on when I started to pace, I would lie down on bed for my rest and immediately be engulfed in waves of fear. Its quite something to lie down and rest in those circumstance. Now I'm working in a similar way with my eczema, I'm starting to see as I think I've mentioned before, how the itching is often a sign of some change or other, and the scratching is often a way of changing it. So the itching is my fear of the reaction, and the scratching is my way of controlling it. Of course the fact I'm allergic to all sorts of things can make me scratch too. I feel that my heightened fear response has probably added to this in some way I don't yet understand. But it's interesting that by expressing the fear through my itching and controlling it through scratching I managed to avoid the source of the fear. Naturally it came out later on through my ME, probably with a similar relationship between fear and control or perfectionism. In none of this have I actually looked at my fear. The fear itself is I feel a guard against some form of grief. I attended a paranirvana (death of the Buddha) ceremony a couple of years ago, and felt all my fear back to reveal the most intense raw grief I have ever felt. This was before dad died, but it was worse than anything I felt then (and that was pretty sad). I think that grief is a reaction to our separateness, I think it's that that causes the grief, then the fear, and the trying to control, as a method of trying to find our way back. In my case, me being me, there's an awful lot of anger too. I guess it's born from frustration of not being able to find my way back.
Now I'm pregnant it's very interesting because I'm terrified of having a miscarriage. I'm interested in the mythologies I believe to be true about myself, like "my body doesn't work well enough to get pregnant" - well duh! as the Americans might say ;). My second one is, "I will have a miscarriage". Fair enough, it's quite possible I could. But it's actually more possible that I wont - if human women had as many miscarriages as I'm projecting onto myself, we wouldn't be having the population explosion we're having... So where does this strong belief come from? Obviously habitual negative tendencies regarding myself, and perhaps more so from this perfectionist control of my fear. Once again I need to let go, just simply let go. I actually feel it's quite normal to be frightened of miscarriage, the 1st trimester of pregnancy where I am, has a high miscarriage rate. What I think is a shame is the way this becomes the sole focus. I'm making some attempts, whenever I find myself on a real humdinger of a fear trip, I try to imagine Green Tara is nestling in my womb. This is wonderful, as I find it easier this way to just trust what is. Really I feel the most important thing is that I allow foetus to experience that isness, after all it's not up to me what happens. The morning sickness I listen to with tonglen. Read anything by the Dalai Lama for much better descriptions on it, then I could possibly give. Basically it's a process where you visualize breathing in the poisonous afflictions of other people, and you breathe out love to heal them. One of the explanations of morning sickness, is that the foetus is passing out what it doesn't need and that causes the sickness. There are an awful lot of theories though lol. I do like that one, and breathing out love when I wanting to puke is a good thing. It's an interesting journey, and I'm already so grateful to foetus for giving me an extra chance for practice.
I also just read an excellent book It's called "The Wisdom of Forgiveness" by HH The Dalai Lama and Victor Chan. It's billed as "Intimate conversations and Journeys". Much of my inspiration behind this post comes from it.
Now I'm pregnant it's very interesting because I'm terrified of having a miscarriage. I'm interested in the mythologies I believe to be true about myself, like "my body doesn't work well enough to get pregnant" - well duh! as the Americans might say ;). My second one is, "I will have a miscarriage". Fair enough, it's quite possible I could. But it's actually more possible that I wont - if human women had as many miscarriages as I'm projecting onto myself, we wouldn't be having the population explosion we're having... So where does this strong belief come from? Obviously habitual negative tendencies regarding myself, and perhaps more so from this perfectionist control of my fear. Once again I need to let go, just simply let go. I actually feel it's quite normal to be frightened of miscarriage, the 1st trimester of pregnancy where I am, has a high miscarriage rate. What I think is a shame is the way this becomes the sole focus. I'm making some attempts, whenever I find myself on a real humdinger of a fear trip, I try to imagine Green Tara is nestling in my womb. This is wonderful, as I find it easier this way to just trust what is. Really I feel the most important thing is that I allow foetus to experience that isness, after all it's not up to me what happens. The morning sickness I listen to with tonglen. Read anything by the Dalai Lama for much better descriptions on it, then I could possibly give. Basically it's a process where you visualize breathing in the poisonous afflictions of other people, and you breathe out love to heal them. One of the explanations of morning sickness, is that the foetus is passing out what it doesn't need and that causes the sickness. There are an awful lot of theories though lol. I do like that one, and breathing out love when I wanting to puke is a good thing. It's an interesting journey, and I'm already so grateful to foetus for giving me an extra chance for practice.
I also just read an excellent book It's called "The Wisdom of Forgiveness" by HH The Dalai Lama and Victor Chan. It's billed as "Intimate conversations and Journeys". Much of my inspiration behind this post comes from it.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Same old, same old
Interesting stuff this resentment. Rev Olwen pointed out to me that the clinging caused by it is that which needs tackling through letting go. So I'm trying... My skin is really misbehaving itself tonight, it feels like it has lots of shooting needles and crawling worms in it. I can usually relieve this with anti-histamine, but as I just found out I'm one months pregnant (too soon to be certain we'll have a baby), ah's are out of the window. I'm not happy with the steroid cream I'm using on my skin too, but my dr assured me it would be ok. It has been proven to cause cleft lips etc in rats (poor rats), but the official line is if thats the best option for you, then your dr will ok it. Obviously not an entirely great decision to make.
So here am I, showing willing by not taking anti-histamine, and actually and rather mercifully not feeling nauseous. Another really useful opportunity for practice has been my morning sickness - not thrown up yet, but I now have a nose that can detect garlic and petrol at 100 paces. So useful! As I said it would be a good opportunity for practice, but I'm finding it totally impossible to sit back and observe whats going on. I'm not sure whether its all new, or whether it is totally different to ME, but it certainly feels like it. With ME there would usually be a semi logical explaination, something I had to change etc for it to reduce, but with morning sickness, it's quite never ending. Maybe my attempt at practica can be to be more compassionate to myself. No matter how many times I write/think/explain my spiritual journey, I always forget number 1, ie COMPASSION. Sorry for making you jump, but I'm so forgetful. So thank you to whatever it is that made me finally get out of bed and write, rather than remain and scratch, thank you for the reminder about compassion. I guess it will have to be practical compassion, ie not just sitting around feeling my pain or whatever, but carrying on doing stuff, with a lighter, less grasping edge to it.
You many have noticed I reffered obliquely to being pregnant. As I said its only a month, and right now, the shock is just about passing, and I starting to grasp how organised I'm going to need to be to plan my final year of MA around potential baby. I'm getting quite a few stomach cramps, so I'm not sure how potential, potential baby is. It's such an odd feeling, I feel I'm like the vehicle for another beings karma. I guess in a way we all are, but the prospect of motherhood, and more specifically a being growing inside me really brings that into focus. Tibetan Buddhism makes a lot of mothers and their care for their children. We are supposed to honour all beings as if they were our mothers, for at some point in our myriad previous existences, they would have been. The gratitude that arises is supposed to be very powerful. Sadly when this practice was introduced to the West, Tibetans came into contact with dysfunctional families, so the words sometimes get altered. I naturally have problems with it, which is a shame. Despite all the beatings, and shouting etc, my Mum did actually bring me up. I never went hungry, naked, thirsty etc, so you know I do try to appreciate the good stuff went on. As well as realising that my folks were in themselves vehicles for my karma, which I have in some previous life created. The shared karmic bonds between us that ripened at that point were not 100% happy ones.
Still miss Dad a lot, still find Mum hard to deal with, unless I turn on the light-hearted compassion button. So interesting to see all these shadows passing, see how real I make them, whilest forgetting that which transcends all, ie compassion.
So here am I, showing willing by not taking anti-histamine, and actually and rather mercifully not feeling nauseous. Another really useful opportunity for practice has been my morning sickness - not thrown up yet, but I now have a nose that can detect garlic and petrol at 100 paces. So useful! As I said it would be a good opportunity for practice, but I'm finding it totally impossible to sit back and observe whats going on. I'm not sure whether its all new, or whether it is totally different to ME, but it certainly feels like it. With ME there would usually be a semi logical explaination, something I had to change etc for it to reduce, but with morning sickness, it's quite never ending. Maybe my attempt at practica can be to be more compassionate to myself. No matter how many times I write/think/explain my spiritual journey, I always forget number 1, ie COMPASSION. Sorry for making you jump, but I'm so forgetful. So thank you to whatever it is that made me finally get out of bed and write, rather than remain and scratch, thank you for the reminder about compassion. I guess it will have to be practical compassion, ie not just sitting around feeling my pain or whatever, but carrying on doing stuff, with a lighter, less grasping edge to it.
You many have noticed I reffered obliquely to being pregnant. As I said its only a month, and right now, the shock is just about passing, and I starting to grasp how organised I'm going to need to be to plan my final year of MA around potential baby. I'm getting quite a few stomach cramps, so I'm not sure how potential, potential baby is. It's such an odd feeling, I feel I'm like the vehicle for another beings karma. I guess in a way we all are, but the prospect of motherhood, and more specifically a being growing inside me really brings that into focus. Tibetan Buddhism makes a lot of mothers and their care for their children. We are supposed to honour all beings as if they were our mothers, for at some point in our myriad previous existences, they would have been. The gratitude that arises is supposed to be very powerful. Sadly when this practice was introduced to the West, Tibetans came into contact with dysfunctional families, so the words sometimes get altered. I naturally have problems with it, which is a shame. Despite all the beatings, and shouting etc, my Mum did actually bring me up. I never went hungry, naked, thirsty etc, so you know I do try to appreciate the good stuff went on. As well as realising that my folks were in themselves vehicles for my karma, which I have in some previous life created. The shared karmic bonds between us that ripened at that point were not 100% happy ones.
Still miss Dad a lot, still find Mum hard to deal with, unless I turn on the light-hearted compassion button. So interesting to see all these shadows passing, see how real I make them, whilest forgetting that which transcends all, ie compassion.
Monday, June 05, 2006
Resentment
It has been a long time, so I wont fill you in on the minutae. I had my birthday and my birthday surprise which was a jeep trip round Longleat. This was fabulous, check out our Flikr links as I'm sure pictures will appear there soon. Hard birthday to have, first without Dad. Mum came to stay last weekend, which was very useful. Absolutely terrifying in so many respects as she really is a total child. It's amazing how much responsibility I've accrued over the years, and how that is manipulated to form aggression by both of us. So good to see, but kind of "ouch", and a big "ouch" too. A very good "ouch" though.
This leads me to my topic - resentment. For so long, and I still am, I have been in a state of seething resentment about things. Why do I have to mother my mother, why cant we talk without ww3 breaking out, why doesn't my body work properly, etc, etc. At the moment I've started a new regime for my eczema using "The Eczema Solution". It's very interesting, from a Buddhist perspective it's all about bringing awareness to the itch, and to the subsequent scratch. I actually started the programme last year, but felt that I was perceptive enough to read it the whole way through, and simply practice the habit reversal without first gaining an understanding of my scratching behaviour through use of a clicker when I do scratch. I learnt the hard way I'm not that perceptive lol, so hopefully at some point a lesson about humility will be learnt too. The first day I logged my scratches I logged something like 497, today, after starting the habit reversal, plus temporarily increasing my steroid use, plus daily bath, my number is so far 41. My skin is looking a lot better too.
Now I am paying attention to my skin, I'm no longer feeling resentful of it. It's quite interesting, I feel like I'm entering into a relation with it, or at least a more positive one. But all I've really done is start to pay attention to it. I had a similar experience with Mum. She had an abusive relationship with her mother, who basically infantalised her, and in fact would not give Mum attention unless Mum either mothered her, or was her child. The same continued with me, and is still in our conversations today. Mum is a bit like one of those misbehaving children you see in TV shows - she actively misbehaves to get attention. As an adult this means she will deliberately set traps, which I run into with no awareness, in order to get shouted at. Me, with my seething resentment about not having a real mother, will then use this vent my own frustration, and shout, and thus confirm Mum's belief that the only conversations that really matter are the ones where she get's shouted at. I had started to unpick some of this, but it all went when Dad died. I felt I had to look after Mum, and naturally enough, in her grief, Mum reverted to her default position of toddler. Luckily Ian kindly pointed out to me that I was being very abrupt to Mum, and I realised that what I need to do, is simply to listen. Like with my skin, and like with the pacing that has helped my experience of ME so much. Listening means I dont have to have an opinion, unless I feel it's really worth sharing, and it will also honour Mum with the respect she deserves. It's also less exhausting and worrying for me, listening to the resentment means I dont need to act it out.
I figure there's a bit of a theme emerging...
Love to you all.
This leads me to my topic - resentment. For so long, and I still am, I have been in a state of seething resentment about things. Why do I have to mother my mother, why cant we talk without ww3 breaking out, why doesn't my body work properly, etc, etc. At the moment I've started a new regime for my eczema using "The Eczema Solution". It's very interesting, from a Buddhist perspective it's all about bringing awareness to the itch, and to the subsequent scratch. I actually started the programme last year, but felt that I was perceptive enough to read it the whole way through, and simply practice the habit reversal without first gaining an understanding of my scratching behaviour through use of a clicker when I do scratch. I learnt the hard way I'm not that perceptive lol, so hopefully at some point a lesson about humility will be learnt too. The first day I logged my scratches I logged something like 497, today, after starting the habit reversal, plus temporarily increasing my steroid use, plus daily bath, my number is so far 41. My skin is looking a lot better too.
Now I am paying attention to my skin, I'm no longer feeling resentful of it. It's quite interesting, I feel like I'm entering into a relation with it, or at least a more positive one. But all I've really done is start to pay attention to it. I had a similar experience with Mum. She had an abusive relationship with her mother, who basically infantalised her, and in fact would not give Mum attention unless Mum either mothered her, or was her child. The same continued with me, and is still in our conversations today. Mum is a bit like one of those misbehaving children you see in TV shows - she actively misbehaves to get attention. As an adult this means she will deliberately set traps, which I run into with no awareness, in order to get shouted at. Me, with my seething resentment about not having a real mother, will then use this vent my own frustration, and shout, and thus confirm Mum's belief that the only conversations that really matter are the ones where she get's shouted at. I had started to unpick some of this, but it all went when Dad died. I felt I had to look after Mum, and naturally enough, in her grief, Mum reverted to her default position of toddler. Luckily Ian kindly pointed out to me that I was being very abrupt to Mum, and I realised that what I need to do, is simply to listen. Like with my skin, and like with the pacing that has helped my experience of ME so much. Listening means I dont have to have an opinion, unless I feel it's really worth sharing, and it will also honour Mum with the respect she deserves. It's also less exhausting and worrying for me, listening to the resentment means I dont need to act it out.
I figure there's a bit of a theme emerging...
Love to you all.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Yoga - unbelievably happy and boastful email!
This is copy of an email I just sent to a friend. It's as flippant as you might expect, but I wanted to post it, just so that anyone reading this blog with ME gets the idea that recovery is posible! Too often, the "myth" of non-recovery from ME is taken at face value, and I feel it's important to share good tidings when they come, to help shatter this.
I did yoga last night! In a normal class and everything! It may have been slightly too much, but that's because I'm an inactive, essay avoiding slob atm, but it may also have been just enough, and I'm the tiniest bit whateverish cause I slept in this am. Was so very very very cool! The teacher was really good at telling me what not to do, and because I [actually] listened (full orchestral fanfare) I lasted the whle 1 hour and 15 mins. Then we had a lovely relaxation which was a bit yoga nidra and a bit something else. Oooooooooooooo I did it! I feel so proud - 3 years ago, reading crappy women's mags was the hight of my intellectual advances, and sometimes the bath room was too far away, and the stairs were a nightmare. Now I'm doing a full yoga class and reading up for my theoretical essays and getting a grip on the fear behind all of it, albeit very slowly lol. But it's just so cool! ........... So many explaination marks!!!!!!!!!!!
In slightly more serious mode, deep and grateful bows to all those ME recovering angels (doesn't feel right to call of you Boddhissatva's which I'm more used to, because you're not not all Buddhists and I want to choose a less loaded but still appreciative term) I've met along the way. May you appear for all people with ME and may they have the courage to listen to you (takes me long enough lol).
I did yoga last night! In a normal class and everything! It may have been slightly too much, but that's because I'm an inactive, essay avoiding slob atm, but it may also have been just enough, and I'm the tiniest bit whateverish cause I slept in this am. Was so very very very cool! The teacher was really good at telling me what not to do, and because I [actually] listened (full orchestral fanfare) I lasted the whle 1 hour and 15 mins. Then we had a lovely relaxation which was a bit yoga nidra and a bit something else. Oooooooooooooo I did it! I feel so proud - 3 years ago, reading crappy women's mags was the hight of my intellectual advances, and sometimes the bath room was too far away, and the stairs were a nightmare. Now I'm doing a full yoga class and reading up for my theoretical essays and getting a grip on the fear behind all of it, albeit very slowly lol. But it's just so cool! ........... So many explaination marks!!!!!!!!!!!
In slightly more serious mode, deep and grateful bows to all those ME recovering angels (doesn't feel right to call of you Boddhissatva's which I'm more used to, because you're not not all Buddhists and I want to choose a less loaded but still appreciative term) I've met along the way. May you appear for all people with ME and may they have the courage to listen to you (takes me long enough lol).
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Email Alert
I've put in a little email alert thing over to the right to see how I get on with it. Basically if you want updates of when I infrequently update (and I know some of you do, as this has been requested....), try signing up and see how you get on.
Monday, April 24, 2006
Happy
Well, the great guinea pig controversy rumbled on, I ended up apologising to some folks, and hidden inside my apology were my reasons for what I said. Thinking about it, although I dont like apologising as much as I do, now I'm learning to contain it and use it only when necessary, an apology can actually be a respectful thing. I always felt it was manipulative in some way, and maybe when I was younger, it was a way of avoiding the blows. I guess now I'm older, and I'm not being hit on a regular basis anymore, then although my apologies may still have an element of manipulation in them, they are now more about informing the other person, and respecting their feelings. In a way it's still pain avoidance though, as I really felt like I neeeeeeeeded to apologise to the people concerned. Once I did, the whole ickiness I talked about in my previous post lifted, and I was happy. It was quite cool, because although my apology didn't go the way I wanted to, I didn't go into my whole "needing to get it right thing". Out of nowhere my happy self came out. What a blessing! I'm now glad for the whole guinea pig thing, it's so cool to have seen that I value my happiness.
This is an interesting link. Particularly in light of what I'm talking about above. Makes me very glad I'm a Buddhist, I need a kick up the bum to remind me to be happy. My physical state was not enough, so it's good it's coming from somewhere.
Working on two essays at the moment, plus stuff for the animals. Definitely not a regular poster right now!
This is an interesting link. Particularly in light of what I'm talking about above. Makes me very glad I'm a Buddhist, I need a kick up the bum to remind me to be happy. My physical state was not enough, so it's good it's coming from somewhere.
Working on two essays at the moment, plus stuff for the animals. Definitely not a regular poster right now!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)