Be the change you want to see in the world

or in this case, our children. Thinking today, it's been about falling in love all over again. Those precious first few moments seeing that sweet face you've felt for nine months, the first feed, the coming home, the becoming a sibling, mum of two, all of that stuff. In all the midst of that, as well cleaning, cooking, eating, an amazing love affair is going on with mum and new baby and old baby is pushed out. Now we are learning to love as a four not as a three, the love affair is spreading. Our parenting is now coming from that love and I realised that that was what Gandhi meant.

Realising just why obediance parenting just doesn't quite do it for me. My spiritual practice is so limited, but it is all pervasive and every all at once. So I simply have to try to do it this way.

Also, I am a good enough mum but not a perfect one. This is a good thing!

Almost unbearably precious

Folding clothes for our holiday (specifically the childrens clothes) and reading on the internet about another wee one murdered by those caring for her. Each scrap of material, each scribbled spider, each random bread stick, each abandoned bib is so precious to me because it means that we have children. The loss of any of it is unbearable to think about.

Hooray!

One day without a major tantrum.  Possibly due to having had a good lunch, woken later, had lots of snacks in the morning, no sleep after lunch, cooler weather, more hands on intervention possible as Ian around and Michael asleep or happy at salient points, and more hugs.  Only one other child walloped so today feels like a good day.  Not quite so ready to ask permission to be a mum today :)

All points to how tantrums are a culmination of lots of other stuff and how little a toddler brain can really cope with.  I think I expect far too much, simply because she walks, whereas really she is a baby on wheels who can talk.  I'm rubbish in the heat too...

Independence and dependency

Most accurately summed up by D today.  Requesting to sit on my lap and sing "All the little ducks".  We usually do the movements for her, but no, today she did them all herself, carefully removing my "helping" hands so she could.  Such a thing, wanting mummy's lap for the springboard, mummy to sing for the communal effort but needing the space to do her own thing too.  Pure toddler, distilled to a t.  Good on her!  Something for me to remember next tantrum time too (not necessarily just D's tantrums...). 

A week is a long time for little ones.

In the last week, D has started to use words like "and" "another" be more physically demonstrative, demand kisses, have the most enormous strops after waking up in the afternoon, show increased awareness of where things live in the house and replace without being asked, help clean Michael's bum, ask for nappy change when she needs one, continue to increase her straight backed gait up and down stairs, play computer games with her daddy.

In the last week Michae has sprouted1 (but quite possibly 2) 2nd incisor tooth (bottom left and maybe top right), turned on his side from his back, sat up longer and longer with an increasingly straight back, gone to sleep on his own, become more and more dextrous, passed an object from one hand to another.

I am working on the practice of their cries being my meditation bells.  This is because I have been so involved in it all, I've been crowding them out of their own stuff which is not helpful to anyone.  It's hard, the anxiety is now more acute, but does pass.  It's also weird as what actually happens is that I feel I am being very spacious when D is having a tantrum, but looking back what I have actually been doing is just focussing on staying calm, but with huge levels of underlying panic.  So I don't really know what's going on and in all honesty I'm kind of trying to not try to hard to find out!

I'm also going to bed earlier, so night night! 

And then...

.... she puked all weekend!  Poor sausage!  So there was jolly good reason to be behaving so dreadfully.  Oh well.  All that, pus an intellectual growth spurt meaning many more sentences, able to go up and down stairs straight backed with no support and climbing in and out the camper on our inaugral trip last weekend.  He on the other hand has sprouted the corner of an incisor.  At 4 months!  I blame the father (Ian "grew" his at 3 months).  Today feeling awed and grateful for them.  Children are constant miracles.  

Please, please, please let this be a phase.

So much screaming today.... At least less headbanging but soooooo much screaming.  D is going through a real mummy mummy MUMMY phase, and now has the cold I just did. As well as getting over the one she just had. Soooooooo in about a month, goodness how many colds and schniffles between us, me with mastits, M with a growth spurt, and D just screeeeeaaaaaaming.  I managed to only shout once today, which for me was a huge achievement.  Not at all hard to see where she gets it from.  I so neeeeeed to model better behaviour. 

You know...

it wasn't just me who lost it, D wasn't so good either.  But after a while I felt kind of refreshed - I think I'd let go of my part in it, and seeing that all I could do at that time was feed Michael, well thats all I did.  Horrible for D, and tricky to be learning about sharing when you are in such a necessary egocentric phase, but well, that's just the way it was.  Somewhere along the line I learnt something useful about my stuff being my stuff, and D's being her's. Of course I am her mother, but sometimes I just can't make the good stuff happen.  Then it's important for me to learn new skills in supporting and deaing with stress.  Not justifying, just learning, travelling along with my beautifu little girl.

Felt for her this week though, the head banging came back, but then she has just had a bug so possible sinus infection, and had a poorly mummy who was glued to the sofa whincing with a big fat baby permanently attached. Going to get her checked  out at the gp to double make sure all is well, following an at home day today, with lots of mummy time she seems calmer.

As an aside, we al went to the Annual Nestle Demo on Saturday.  Mike Brady had to shout very loudly at one point over the loud cries of "wwwwwhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeee".  D was very happy to find someone to run round with, it was a little bizarre when the child with her picked up the small cardboard coffin and ran round with it as a hat, and of course D joined them underneath it. Thankfully the small black baby doll that D had managed to remove a leg from meaning it lost its pants had been reinstated by this point....

Later on

it turned into an exciting game involving guinea pig bedding and the rest of her tea set, which then involved mummy, hoover and washed tea set and replacement of bedding with dried beans to satisfy that pouring need.  Just as I was doing well at pretending to be a good parent, Michael really got into his stride with his growth spurt, Deborah started to feel really tired, left out and jealous, and I, dear reader, lost it.  Thankully Ian was here to become the calm parent and he held Deborah until she fell asleep.  I spent the rest of the day feeding Michael.  Wanted to bog to remind myself how it can all turn and turn back again on the eye of a needle.  There's something in there for me to remember...

My WONDERFUL Daughter

(reposted from FB because it deserves to be, you'll see)

"D has a habit of crumbling biscuits on the floor, she seems to really enjoy the sensation. Needless to say we don't enjoy the after effects... Had just done some vague hoovering in the living room as a friend is coming round, and D crumbled her oatcake. As I was rushing to the loo I asked if she could put the crumbs on her plate. I came downstairs to find an extremely industrious daughter picking the crumbs up, putting them in a plastic casserole dish, running into the kitchen, lifting the lid of the bin up and throwing the crumbs inside. Fine she was doing one crumb at a time, but it's blown me away!"

Mastitis (again)

aren't anti biotics wonderful?

Mastitis

Ick!

Oh this is good

Using this blog I can see the last time I was really shouty, and it's 2 weeks ago!  Which is definitely an improvement.  Of course, now I've blogged it I will be shouty for evermore, but feel for D and M that they had a 2 week break.

Must remember today...

.... because it may never happen again!  I had the children from 8.30 am to 2.30 pm completely on my own and all was fine.  We all actually rather enjoyed it.  True we got to this morning's group an hour late, but that actually suited D better so was a good discovery.

On a perhaps more interesting note, speaking to a friend yesterday on the phone, she asked how the children were, and I replied, "Oh great, they're getting on, they LOVE each other" she laughed and said "Oh that's just a phase".  It made me realise how contrived I've been (understandably but even so its there), and how worried and how, well you get the picture by now... Another important reminder to LET GO!

Speaking of letting go, came into the room this am to find Michael gagging on the oatcake his sister had tenderly inserted into that tempting baby mouth of his.  Much removal of oatcakes and joint binning followed.  Then return to find M about to fed a rice cake, more removal etc.  Not so much baby led weaning as toddler led - D obviously doesn't realise that we dont wean till 6 months now dear and is old school in her approach.  Mind you, Prof Gideon Lack suggests we are more prone to food allergies because we are not exposed to minute scraps of potential allergens in just this way, hence the rise of peanut allergies etc.  Look him up, interesting stuff.

I need to move the snack cupboard I think...

She loves me

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Yup, D is getting over her acutely heart broken stage at Michael's arrival, and if I am honest, so am I.  Never of case of loving one or the other, or doubting my capacity to love both, more about how to fit it all in.  Somehow we are fitting enough in, prob not as much as before (sneaky suspicion this may be better), but enough.  We are healing together which is as it should be.  Meanwhile Michael is doing just fine thank you very much - not knowing anything different and being a very small baby, copious amounts of boob, sleep, cuddles and interesting big sister to watch suit him well indeed.

So far...

... missed the bus, put my undies on back to front and grumped at D.  The first 2 dont matter. 

Broad St today

Suddenly hit by the certainty of everyone's Buddha nature.  No more than that, and I can only remember having the flash, not how it felt, did was or anything.  But wow! Kissing Michael's head, ruffling Deborah's hair, contact with my children transports me to bliss.

A beautiful day, thank you.

Three Little Words...

.. Feeding on demand.  Have worked out I am just going to be exhausted whatever I do, it's not D's added feeding needs that are exhausting me.  However, not responding to them leads to tantrums which do!  So more full-fat coffee and earlier nights for me, whilst the behemoth and his sister suckle to their hearts content.

Realised this am that D mainly used to regulate her temper through nursing, and because I have been twitchy about how much she is feeding atm, she has not only had to find another way - more tantrums- but has had an ambivalent mummy to cope with also.  No wonder she has been more frustrated, plus the whole being 2 and having a new brother thing....

The Behemoth (otherwise known as Michael) is doing an excellent job of a human nipple clamp, a skill which I wish he hadn't learnt for another 20 years and certainly not on his mother.  Not stopping him from expanding at an incredible rate (I swear if you watched him you could actually see it) and despite hitting 12 weeks today, his 3-6 month clothes are working hard to contain him.  Woohoo for ebay and clothes bundles! Sadly those for post-partum podgy mummies are not so exciting. 

Lovely Afternoon

Sat in the garden with lots of garden toys, 2 toddlers and 1 baby covered in sun cream, 1 other mummy and snacks.  The chocolate got everywhere, as did the sand and water and my goodness dont mention the sunblock, but we had fun.  Need more days like this!

Managing Anger

So far I am managing to....

1. reduce shouting

2. not belitte or call names

3. be very specific about what needs to happen

4. sit on my hands

5. speak quietly

6. walk away

I still need to 

1. be more consistent

2. offer more food (to myself, Deborah and Michael)

3. take more deep breaths for immediate distance

I need this blog

Looking back at some of the posts I realise I am not as bad as I often think.  This week's big revalation was that I don't always shout when I am angry.  Not doing so well this morning, feel literally drained as both children being milk monsters, but we are about to go out for curry.  This will continue to be a very dull and tedious blog, but I need someplace to find a mirror.